The Art of Starting Over

Chapter 64 - Daddy Issues

"I needed you!" I say with thinking. "You have no idea how badly I needed you. You don't know the things I went through after mum died. I couldn't find my feet. I jumped from one mistake to another and I made a complete mess of things and you didn't even have a clue! I cried so much every night and I had no one to turn to. No one who gave a shit about me."

He looks up at me, the shame in his eyes as obvious as a rescue flare in the night sky. "You didn't need me, Ally! I couldn't do anything for you. I was a mess myself! How could I have helped you? How could I have been a father to you when I was barely keeping myself going? Look at you! Your grandmother has done a much better job than I could ever have done!"

"Yes. Yes, she did. But you didn't know that when you sent me away, did you? You hated her! You kept us away from her for so long and then you just sent me off with her because it suited you!"

"Ally," Jeremy's voice says softly from behind me. But I keep going, unable to stop.

"You literally dumped me on a stranger's doorstep! Can you imagine how that felt?" I can see the effect my words have on him. His hands are shaking and his weak chin is quivering beneath his salt and pepper stubble.

"I'm not saying what I did was right. And yes, your grandmother and I weren't on the best of terms but... but I knew she'd take good care of you. And I'm not expecting you or Emily to forgive me for what I've done-"

"She's dead," I interject, unable to hear the sound of her name on his cowardly lips. "She got sick like mum. She passed in less than six months." I see my father shrink in front of me. "I tried calling to tell you. I even called your work but I couldn't reach you."

Jeremy's hand moves from my knee to my back and I take a sip of coffee, letting the comforting taste of caffeine and anisette fortify me. It's almost as if Millie is on my other side, her arm around my shoulders just above Jeremy's.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't here," he croaks. "I was in rehab. I've been in and out of rehab for the past two and a half years. I was disbarred. I don't have a steady contact number. I wish I can tell you I'm a changed man, Alison, but I still have a long way to go. I just want you to know that I'm trying. And for the first time in my life, when I got my allowance this morning, instead of going to the pub I went to the airport and bought a plane ticket to come see you."

"But how did you..."

Jeremy shifts uncomfortably beside me and my voice trails off as I realise there is only one way my father could have known where I was. He looks determinedly away from me as he takes a sip from his Good Cop mug. I breathe in and out again but I'm unable to keep the tears back any longer.

"I don't know what else to say, champ," my dad goes on, tears falling from his own eyes, making him completely unrecognisable to me. "If I tell you I'm sorry every day for as long as I live, it still won't be enough." His eyes finally settle on my face, taking in every inch of it. "You look just like her, Alison. Your eyes are just like hers. So kind! And you have that something about your face. I can't describe it but she had it too. It was some sort of magic she had that made her superior to everyone else. I swear it drove me crazy sometimes but... Oh, Alison, I'm so sorry!"

His hands drop to his lap as he breaks into sobs. I wipe my face with the back of my hands.

"Yeah," I breathe after a long pause. "I remember that about her. It made her seem invincible. Millie had it too."

And then we're both crying, mourning my mother together for the first time. He puts his arms over my shoulder and rests his forehead against mine.

Jeremy doesn't leave my side. His hand doesn't leave my back. We sit like that for what seems like hours, until our weeping comes to a natural end.