Everything I'm Not (GirlxGirl)

38. Dreams

The weight of Julia's body presses against my chest as she leans back. There's still a hint of her green apple scent left on her hair. I wrap my arms around her torso, and she makes small adjustments so we're both comfortable in our position. "How'd you find out about this place?"

"During the afternoons, old men come here to play chess. They stay over there." I point to the only wooden table in the area around the playground. "I play with them occasionally. Reminds me of home."

"The Philippines?"

"Yeah. Ninety percent of the time, my opponents were much older than me. Most of them are old enough to be my grandparent. Also the best ones to play with because they didn't care if I was just a kid. They'd play with the intention to crush me with no reservations."

Julia rubs my hands with her thumb. "Can I ask you a question?"

The tentative tone of her voice exposes her question before she's even asked it. So I answer, "No, it's not because of my Lolo that I stopped playing."

A heartbeat passes. "Then why?" One of her hands is now intertwined with mine, making small circles on my sweaty palm.

Maybe it's because she can't see my face. Because I won't be under the scrutiny of those piercing gray eyes to pick apart every emotion behind my words. Because I won't be able to see the pity, the disappointment in her face, that people seem to always show without meaning to when they find out who I used to be, that I finally admit, "I'm scared."

"Of?"

"Throwing my life again." Julia shifts and tries to face me, but I hold on to her tight. "I just got it back. All those years I've been obsessed over getting that damn title so much I forgot to live. You've seen the photos. In any of my birthdays, did you see any friends with me? Was there anyone else other than my family and relatives?"

Julia shakes her head almost imperceptibly.

"The person I am now is far different from who I was back then. I had no time for anything but my academics and chess. I didn't bother making any friends. All I had on my mind was winning. Win and win and win some more until I was at the top. As you know, I fucking did it. It lasted for a day. A fucking day before the whole world came crashing down on me.

"I stopped playing. Literally just dropped everything related to chess and tried to catch up to all the things I've sacrificed to achieve what I had. I tried other sports, and I think it's one of the things that really helped me pull myself together.

"Well, I didn't last six months without a board, so I got back to playing chess. I told myself to just play for fun, though. I can't really just throw away something that shaped more than half of my life. It has worked for me so far."

It was only when I stopped that I realize how much of that I've been carrying around for years. I felt lighter, somehow.

Julia silently absorbs the information. She doesn't say a word for the longest time, and I thought she was just gonna let it pass without saying anything—which is totally fine with me—until she moves. She supports herself with an arm and looks me dead in the eye. "Are you happy?"

It's so easy to say yes. To say that I'm happy because I still get to play without the pressure of the world on my shoulders. To say why wouldn't I be? I achieved my dreams and I got nothing left to prove. But my voice breaks when I say, "I'm rotting here."

"I don't feel any sense of accomplishment in winning anymore. I haven't in a long time until I played with your brother. That day I played with him was a giant slap to the face. The thrill, the challenge, the satisfaction when I win against a strong opponent? That's what I was missing. It's what basically kept me going all those years.

"I'm better than this." The words come out in a harsh whisper. "I know I'm better than this."

"Baby," she says, her voice soft and soothing. She gently cups my face. "Baby, look at me."

I meet her gaze and the look she gives me is disarming. "From the first moment I ever saw you play, I admired you. You had this look in your eyes and in a way, I felt like I was only seeing you for the first time. You were beautiful to look at. How you managed to do that by sitting and moving around plastic pieces around a checkered board, I have no idea."

"So you've had a crush on me since I've gone to your house?" I say in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Julia, thankfully, sees it for what it is and rolls her eyes. She continues, "I've never seen someone so passionate as you. And if you can go to such lengths to fulfill someone else's dream, I have no doubt that you can do anything once you put your mind to it. I'm proud of you, and whatever you decide to do, I promise I'll be right beside you."

Someone else's dream. My mind mulls over those words over and over. Fucking hell. It wasn't my dream, was it? It was a promise I made. I never dreamt about becoming anything. When I won the title, I felt more relieved than happy that it was over.

I laugh. Fucking hell, how did I never realize that? Julia looks at me with an eyebrow raised. I wonder if she thinks I've gone crazy. "Have I told you how much I love you recently?"

"Only every five minutes." She smiles.

I tug her closer and kiss her deeply. "Mahal na mahal kita."

"Mahal na mahal din kita."

A chill runs down my spine. Goosebumps spread over my skin. And the next thing I know I'm crying.