Memories

Chapter 18.

I sat up slowly, pleased by how little my muscles were trembling now. "That's kind of what happened." Obi-Wan looked curiously at me, so I continued, but I kept my eyes low. "Asajj and the two thugs went outside, so Ahsoka and I followed. We got talking and then the thugs started scrapping. Did you find Owen and Beru?" I asked suddenly, looking up at Obi-Wan.

He nodded. "They're safe. Keep going."

"Since the thugs were busy, Ahsoka and I were going to take on Asajj, but I ... I got distracted." I dropped my gaze, focusing on the floor or my hands – not Obi-Wan or Ahsoka. "And then I used the Force to create a shockwave or something and knocked everybody out. The shed started collapsing, so I stopped it until everyone got out, but I didn't have the strength to save the building. Asajj got away," I said quietly, feeling guilt bearing down on me like a dead weight. "It's my fault."

"I'm just glad you're both alright," Obi-Wan said sincerely, squeezing Ahsoka's shoulder and my leg.

My eyes tentatively flicked up to Ahsoka. "I'm sorry for knocking you out, Snips."

She looked confused. "You saved my life, Skyguy! You don't have to apologize for that."

"It shouldn't have come to that," I sighed, rubbing my hands together.

We fell into an uncomfortable silence, no one knowing what to say.

Eventually, Obi-Wan broke it wearily. "What next, team?"

Ahsoka glanced at me, then at him. "Should we keep looking for Asajj?"

My eyes widened, but I didn't say anything, looking down quickly.

"I'm not sure, Ahsoka," Obi-Wan responded quietly. "The Council's orders are to find her, and we can't really go against them. Do you have any idea where she might have gone?" I think he was asking me, but I wasn't really listening.

My knees were tucked up to my chest, and I was desperately struggling against the memories that were encouraged by this planet. I had been hoping, vainly as it turned out, that we might have been able to get off it. Hadn't we done our duty? The Council had only asked us to find Asajj, and we'd done that. I was exhausted, my strength was sapped, and memories were still throwing themselves into my mind. All I wanted to do was go home, get some rest, and talk to Padmé. I wanted to sort out my argument with her, tell her how sorry I was, and ask her forgiveness. But I had a job to do, and I couldn't do what I wanted to do. My duty came first. But what happened when my emotions pulled for my attention? "But you're also human. Don't let the Jedi take that away from you." Did I have a say in this matter? "We expect you to doas we say, without question." My shoulders slumped. There was my answer. Instead of filling me with determination and the desire to please them, it filled me with dread. I didn't want to do this. I didn't know if I could.

"Anakin," Obi-Wan called softly. "Is everything alright?"

I watched him nervously, hugging my knees to myself, feeling for all the world like a little boy ... nine years old ... a slave. I pushed the memories aside, forcing myself to focus on Obi-Wan. "I don't know if I can do this, Obi-Wan," I said in a small voice. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them away.

"Why not, Anakin?" he asked, his tone quiet, gentle.

"It's ...," this time, my voice broke, and I choked out the words, "it's ... I'm distracted, Obi-Wan. I can't focus. It's my mother."

I saw the slightest frown cross Obi-Wan's face, and I felt regret crashing down on top of me. Why did I tell him? He was a brilliant Jedi, and he would probably just view my mother as an unnecessary distraction. He wouldn't get what I was going through – I didn't even know if I should be going through this – and he would almost certainly frown on my reaction to it. I was supposed to be better than this. I was a Jedi, and he trained me as one. I had just disappointed him.