ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜᴇ || тѕυккιуαмα ||

22

TW: self harm/mentions of suicide

The Fall
~~~

It felt like I was stuck against the bedroom floor. Sweat mixed with blood being the glue.

It was also strange—the fact I was sweating through the brisk air of the ac going.
My fingertips were numb and freezing—
But, humid.

I clenched my teeth until I couldn't feel my jaw anymore, breathing unevenly.

I'm sick and tired of feeling this way.

My body wanted so badly to jolt up and escape. Through the window, the front door, back door; It doesn't matter.
I just needed fresh air, it feels as if I'm suffocating in this house.

Finally, my legs gave in, sinking into the floor. My entire body followed suit, relaxing against my sweat and blood.

I couldn't tell how severe it was—the thick red substance was slowly escaping my forehead—where I'd slammed into the floor.

Although, it wasn't much.
I think my blurry vision exaggerated the amount of blood I'd seen.
Also the sweat could have something to do with how much I thought was pouring out.

I'm not sure—and right now, I don't care.

As my sight went dark, and my chest and jaw completely relaxed, I felt myself slipping into a heavy sleep against the hardwood floor.

Hopefully, I wouldn't wake up.

But I did—of course I did.

The first thing I felt was my feeble breathing. It scared me a bit—how short my breaths had become throughout sleep.

Slowly, I opened my eyes.
And, oh my god, it hurt so much.

I let out a whimper and shut them quickly. It felt as if my eyeballs were being forcefully pulled into my head, sending shockwaves throughout my skull.

I eventually gave up on moving—deciding to just fall back asleep.
Then I heard my bedroom door open.

Immediately, my senses started working again. And my brain perked up, ridding myself of being tired.
Although, I kept my eyes shut.

"Yama? Are you still asleep?" My moms soft voice drilled through my ears, causing me to involuntarily shiver.

Her gentle footsteps echoed in my room, speeding up my heart rate with each thump.

I about jumped at the feeling of her nails against my back—but I kept it in, holding my breath.

"You've been in this exact spot for hours, Tadashi.. are you feeling okay?"

I hadn't noticed, but it was dark out now.
Or at least, that's what I could tell from behind my eyelids.

She started rubbing my back smoothly. "You're not depressed again, are you?" She asked, the tone of her voice sharpening a bit.

Suddenly, I didn't care.
About anything.

"I'm dying, mom." my voice was barely there, I couldn't even recognize it.

She let out a sigh. "You aren't—"

"I want to."

The room fell silent, and her hand froze against my back.

I didn't feel cold anymore—or sweaty. I didn't feel anything. Just the pounding in my skull and the sticky blood against my forehead.

"Well... dinners almost ready." She removed her hand hesitantly and walked out of the room.

Yeah right, like I'm eating.

I couldn't even move my fingers—I couldn't even open my eyes..
There's no way I'd be able to sit at a table and eat as if I wasn't just bleeding from my god-damn head.

Although, knowing my mother—she'd force me to eat.
I grimaced at the thought of spending another second alive.

I need a way out.

Very gradually, I opened my eyes, trying to ignore the immense pain. I forced myself up against my arms, elbows wobbling slightly.

Then I fell forward again.

My chin jabbed into the floor and my palms griped down on the hardwood, in an attempt to stay balanced.

Why on earth is this so difficult?

I hadn't realized my eyes were shut again, so I slowly winced them open, focusing on what was in front of me.
Then I saw it—a nail sticking out my bed frame.

Subconsciously, I knew exactly why my knees slid against the floor—Inching me closer to the bed.

Although, consciously, I wasn't even processing the movement. I didn't feel anything anymore. So my consciousness had little to no effect on me.

My elbows started to burn due to how much I was pressing my weight against them, skidding across the cold hardwood floor.

Then I reached the nail.

Without any hesitation, I shot my arm out, roughly slicing it down the rusty piece of metal.

My head immediately fell onto the floor, I took in a sharp breath and did it again.

Then again.

And again..

And again...

It felt euphoric.
And the burning on my arm instantly merged with all the other agonizing pains throughout my entire body.
So I didn't even feel it.

But I did feel the hot blood running down my arm—and I heard the way it splat onto the floor beside my ear.

I let my arm drop, twitching against puddle of thick blood quickly spreading around it.

It's strange.
I almost felt.. giddy.

Maybe it was the realization of finally ceasing to exist.
To permanently rid myself of this body that's been ravished and taken advantage of by.. everyone.

Or maybe it was the fact I had control over what I was doing, and no-one else could prevent me from decaying in my own room.

Or.. perhaps it was the thought of my mother's horrific face. Would she even feel bad? Maybe she expected this from me.

speaking of the devil..
as my vision started unfocusing, I could faintly hear the creak of my door open,
and something about dinner being ready.

Then I think she screamed.

I don't know.. my hearing numbed out at some point—Along with my body, easing against the floor.
well, more like into the floor.

I was sinking through the floor.

The floor that started to thump loudly. I couldn't hear it, but I could feel someone running up to me.

Then, nothing.

~~~