Memories

Chapter 14.

"Being the Chosen One, you would be well within your rights to test your powers, though I'm sure that wasn't what you were doing," he responded understandingly. "There must have been some other reason, and a very good one, for such a brilliant Jedi Knight as yourself to make mistakes."

"I don't know," I mumbled. "This isn't really supposed to be a problem that Jedi face."

"But you are facing it," he prompted kindly, "and you are a Jedi. Therefore ...?"

"It's ...," I wrung my hands anxiously, "I was distracted. You might remember that I only became a padawan when I was ten years old." 

He nodded. "Yes, I definitely recall that."

"I used to live with my mother on Tatooine, but about ten years after I left to train as a Jedi, I started having these dreams." I hesitated. "They were more like nightmares. She was in so much pain, but I couldn't do anything about it. Eventually, they got so bad that I went back to Tatooine to find her." I started having more difficulty in forming words, feeling my throat tightening. "It didn't take long before I located her in a camp of Tuskan raiders. She ... she was dying." Emotions of grief and anger flickered in my heart like a candle that was buffeted by the wind. "They had kidnapped her and tortured her. I tried to s-save her," my voice was breaking, "but I was too late. I thought I would be strong enough to save her, but I wasn't. I couldn't. I didn't." 

I couldn't keep my voice steady as emotions cracked it, clenching my throat. "That was two years ago today. That is why I was distracted. And because of them," I said bitterly, "she died. So I killed them. I killed them all." Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I didn't have the willpower to stop them. "I shouldn't have. I know it. But I did. I don't know what to do. I have regretted my decision every day of my life since, but nothing can change the past. My mother is dead and the Sand People dead with her. And it's all my fault," I sobbed, burying my face in my palms. "It's all my fault."

By now, the chancellor had moved over so that he was sitting next to me, and he had his hand on my shoulder in comfort, offering soothing words. "That must be so incredibly hard for you. To have your only, dearest mother ripped away so cruelly from you ...," he trailed off. "Surely you were justified for that deep sorrow and fiery anger that must have burned in you."

"Oh, I was angry all right," I choked out, sitting back, my breath catching in my throat. "I was so, so angry, but I was so sad. And I'm afraid." I was jumping tracks fast, but I was too worked up to care. "I know I'm a Jedi, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what the other Jedi will do if they find out about my actions. I know it was wrong, killing them all, and I'm so, so s-sorry for what I did. I would give anything to take it back. But I don't know if they'll take that."

He nodded. "Yes, I understand your fears, and I'm afraid to say they're very real. The Jedi don't take kindly to that type of behaviour; I don't know if they would hear your reason. You see, you're different from the other Jedi, and they don't understand you because of that."

"No, you're right," I sighed. "They don't know what it's like to lose your own mother."

The chancellor sighed, looking down regretfully. "I'm sure you would give anything to have your mother back."

"Oh, I would," I agreed, tears still sliding down my face. "I wish I could have saved her. I'm sure I should have been able to."

"But ... you are the Chosen One, are you not?" he asked slowly. "Perhaps ... no, this may not be the right time to suggest such a thing."

"What is it?" I half-pleaded. "Tell me!"

"Well, perhaps if you become powerful enough, you will be able to ... stop people from dying," he offered pensively. He looked at my sympathetically, but there was resolve in his eyes. "Someone as powerful and great as you, Anakin, surely could do such a thing. I believe you have so much potential, but maybe you have been stifled. I'm sure the Jedi are trying their best," he added quickly, "but they cannot be blind to the immense power that is inside you. One would almost say they were ... jealous. If you had been allowed to stretch yourself, perhaps you could have saved ...," he trailed off, then continued solemnly, "but such a thought doesn't bear entertaining."

We sat in silence for a while before I broke it softly. "I miss her."

He patted my thigh. "I know, my boy. Let us not forget the past. Emotions are so very real and very important, too. It is normal for you to grieve her."

A gentle sigh escaped my lips. "I'm a Jedi. I'm not supposed to be like this."

"But you're also human," he reminded me. "Don't let the Jedi take that away from you."

I offered him a small smile, then brushed the tears off my face in embarrassment. "Thank you, Your Excellency. I-I'm sorry."

He silenced me with a wave of his hand. "I won't hear of it, my boy. It's my pleasure. It's so hard when you feel alone, and I understand that. If you ever need a listening ear, you know where I am." He smiled warmly, then placed his hand on my shoulder. "I know I have said this many times, but you never cease to amaze me, my young friend."

I looked down modestly. "Thank you; you're very kind."

He nodded briefly, then straightened up. "It was so good talking to you, Anakin."

I stood up as well, then bowed. "Again, thank you. I appreciate it."

He followed me to the door, then called after me as I started to leave. "Oh, and Amidala will be in her quarters." Then with a wink, he shut the door.

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Sooo, we got to see Palps! Does anyone else subconsciously narrow their eyes when "the chancellor" is mentioned? Ugh, isn't he such a pain?! XD

I still feel real sad for Ani, but I really enjoyed writing him as a character. The chancellor is actually really fun to write, too. I feel it's kind of interesting taking a peek at what Anakin might be feeling about his anger-management issues and what he's afraid might happen if he does tell the Jedi. Who thinks he should tell them? What do you think Obi-Wan would say if Anakin told him?

This chapter went on for a while, and I'm glad I split it up, but I had such a great time writing it. :) Also, I'm thinking about switching back to Obi-Wan next chapter, but I'm not sure atm. *strokes imaginary beard thoughtfully* We'll see. :)