Another Moment Passing by...

Chapter 30: Everyone Will Make Mistakes (And I Know I Have)

I slid the silvery blade from its plastic casing, surprisingly with minimal difficulty despite my trembling fingers. I tilted it this way and that way, envying the way it reflected the artificial lighting. The more I stared at it, the more real the entire situation became. The more intense and clear all of my problems became. Yet, even though it clarified my troubles, it just made everything more unsure and complicated. My eyes travelled to my thin wrist, the skin as pale as moonlight. The branching blue veins were clear under the translucent blanket, as always, but this time they seemed even more visible than usual. I slowly lowered the blade, hovering it above the skin. I knew these things never ended well, but I felt like nothing would ever end well anyway. I just couldn’t help thinking that it sure would be nice to be in control of how things went wrong. I was very aware my wrist would never look the same if I went through with it, but in the moment that was not the main thought on my mind. The only thing I could think was You are a disgrace. You just hurt everyone you love. You don’t know how to do anything. Even when you’re trying to help, you lose your mind and forget about everything but yourself and mess up. You’re so fucking conceited and worthless. You’re worse than irrelevant and forgettable; you’re a hassle. You just cause problems. Everything would be easier without you.

I was now full on sobbing, sniffling and everything. I could barely even keep the blade within my fingers; my hands were so out of control. I pressed the metal to my wrist, taking baby steps. I knew it was probably more painful to do this slowly, like edging your way into a cold pool when you should just dive right in, but I was scared, terrified even. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just so lost and confused and depressed. The sudden cold surprised me, the very feel of the razor against my sensitive wrist setting my nerves off. I gasped as my heart clenched, my abdomen feeling strangely restricted. I applied a bit more pressure, still not hard enough to draw blood, testing my body’s reaction. All I got were red flags and warning sirens, yet I somehow interpreted that as a signal to press harder. Just as I started applying more pressure, the high I was receiving pounding even harder in my chest and making it even more difficult to breath, something stopped me.

Stop! A voice screamed in my head. It was very soft, but it was audible. “Shut up,” I muttered to myself. I acknowledged that I was crazy, convincing myself that I deserved this even more. I pressed harder still, not yet piercing my skin. Haley, what are you doing to yourself? This is not the way to go. You’re so much better than this. Please. Then I realized; why would my own inner voice say please? Why would it sound so familiar, but not like mine? It sounded so distant, yet welcoming. It sounded like Dani. “I am so fucking crazy,” I murmured again. But I relieved some force from my wrist, listening for anything more. Please don’t do this, Dani begged. “I’m sorry,” I sobbed quietly, falling against the wall behind me as I cried some more. I gripped the blade tightly, a sharp pain shooting through my hand. Haley, don’t do this! “Well then what do you propose I do?” I wailed. Please. I opened my clenched fist, the blade falling to the floor with an obnoxious clang. I concentrated intently, scouring my mind for any faint trace of Dani’s voice. When I received nothing in response, I just curled up on my side in a ball on the floor, crying quietly. I didn’t bother to check if my hand was bleeding or not; right then it didn’t really matter.

I didn’t know where I would go from there, or even when I would get up. All I knew was I hated myself even more. Why? Because Dani had just saved my life and I hadn’t saved hers.

*Dani’s P.O.V.*

It hurt seeing her cry like that, so helplessly, but I was relieved she hadn’t gone through with it. Sure, she had a cut on her hand, but that wasn’t too bad. I was just pleased I got to her in time; I don’t think she had any idea what she was doing.