Winning Hurricane

IX- Freudian Dream

He cleared his throat as he get his codal from his bag. Then he cleared his throat again. Lagi niyang ginagawa yon everytime he's uncomfortable. That's what I'd observed.

"I've been a jerk, sorry." He said glancing at me before looking at his codal. His ears red.

"You are?" I finally found my voice.

He shrugged, "I avoided you after that night."

Hindi nalang ako sumagot. Ako dapat yong nahingi ng pasensya pero siya yong nag-sorry. Mas pakiramdam ko tuloy na tama si Ansel. Sa aming dalawa ako yong mas attitude.

"You said it too before.." he carefully continued, I know where this topic will lead us.. to that certain night we both tried to bury, "That night of the graduation party.."

I only nodded. Feeling guiltier by the second.

"I've always been a nuisance to you."

Oh heavens.

"Stop."

Natigilan siya. Napakurap habang nakatingin sakin.

I get it. I've been really harsh with my words sa kanya ever since.

"It's not your entire fault. I hate dramas so stop." I said under my breath as I returned my eyes on my samplex.

Guard. Bakit parang naging math etong binabasa ko? Nahihilo ako sobra.

"Okay.. I'll try being less of a-"

"Just be the way you are." I cut him off. My eyes still on the samplex. I can feel my whole face burning from the sudden emotion I am feeling.

Kinakahiya ko bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko ngayon.

"And sorry."

Tonight. I've proved I have no control on my tongue everytime he's around. Saglit kong tinaas ang tingin ko sa kanya. He's now smiling, looking at his codal before he glanced at me.

"Apology accepted."

That night we studied quietly. I can finally say I am somehow in the middle of peace and confusion.

**

"What if we're not med students? What do you think you're doing today?" Ansel asked out of the blue. We're in Cy's condo. Nagpapa-lobo kami ng mga balloons na gagamitin ni Cy to surprise Ada. It's her birthday today.

I shrugged, "I didn't see myself doing anything aside from the path I am taking right now."

"What if nga lang?"

I paused for a moment. I really don't know what answer to give. All my life settled na ako sa gusto ko. Alam ko na kung anong future meron sakin. Naka-plano na lahat.. kaya parang ang hirap isipin ang sarili ko na may ibang pinu-pursue.

"I.. don't know."

"Boring naman. Ako.. siguro psychologist na'ko. Tapos naikot ko na yong mga underrated island dito sa Philippines. Siguro.. sumunod nalang din ako kay Storm sa ibang bansa tapos maga-apply ako doon tapos magpa-pakasal na kami. Ang dami ko na sigurong nagawa at napuntahan kung hindi ako nag-med.."

I was speechless. She told it so calmly.. like she's dreaming yet regretful and hearing her say those things made me question if everything we sacrificed just to have those two letters attached to our last name is still worth it.

We sacrifice so much of our youth.

We deprive ourselves from having a good night sleep. We missed every occasion or gatherings. We barely see our family. We never even been so carefree except for the times na we party.. we sacrificed our own health just to save lives in the future. Karamihan samin single or nasa failed relationship. Most of my classmates caught their partner na non-med na nagchi-cheat because wala daw silang time for them.