The Art of Starting Over

Chapter 51 - Moving On 101

I looked up how to care for an orchid. I searched for rental apartments and was terribly shocked at the rent asks. But I didn't let it dishearten me. I immediately moved on to my next task and went through countless lists of local vacancies.

I had almost given up but finally, I found a perfect fit. A celebrated private secondary school in need of an administrative secretary to take care of the library and assist in admin work.

I applied before I had time to doubt myself and to my great joy, they called me for an interview the next day. I couldn't believe my luck. I was thrilled when they told me I got the job. Thrilled and relieved because there was no way I was going back to the bar or the store.

That night, I stayed up late reading Pride and Prejudice again. I wanted to tell Jeremy the good news. I wanted to tell him that I'd be able to pay rent this month and the next and every month after that until I got back on my feet. Then, I'd get out of his hair. Give him his room and his life back and perhaps, we'd be able to start over. Whether that would be together or separately was something we still had to figure out. 

But I fell asleep on the couch before he got home.

I woke up the next morning nestled under a grey, woolly blanket and Pride and Prejudice on the coffee table, a tattered bill for six shots of double black and two strawberry daiquiris marking the page where I was before I dozed off.

My heart sank at the sight of it, not sure what upset me the most, the whiskey I know he drank himself stupid with or the fruity drinks I know he despises.

That day I realised Jeremy lied when he said he doesn't know how he's going to stay away from me. He figured it out pretty quickly. 

He leaves early in the morning and comes back late at night. Whenever he pops by during the day, he goes straight to his study and stays there for an hour or so and then rushes out again before I get a chance to even steal a glimpse of him.

Knowing the reason why he's keeping away doesn't make it easier. On the contrary, I miss him more than I ever have, as a friend and as a brother and as the pain in my behind that he used to be. My body, on the other hand, my brain can't stop thinking about that kiss. The way his hands burned through my skin as he held me close while I claimed his mouth and he claimed mine. I can't shake off the way every fibre in me yearned for him the way it has never yearned for anything or anyone before.

I decided I don't care about what he did. That was the Old Jeremy. I could see so clearly that my Jeremy despises him for it. But I do care about who we are now. Today.

We're too different. We're too scared. He may care about me deeply but it's not enough to make him stay. His past still haunts him and he's not ready to let his habits go. And I may want him more than I'll ever let myself admit, but I cannot be what he needs. Not when there's so much at stake. Not when I might lose him completely, or worse, lose myself even more before I can be there for him the way he needs me to.

I hear the scratching of his key against the front door and remove my thumb from the broken wall. I watch as a few flakes of paint float to the floor. It's seven a.m. He must have been out all night again.

I push at the gnawing in my stomach, telling myself to get a grip. I walk inside just in time to see a flurry of tangled limbs and platinum hair reel through the front door. My eyes open wide at the gut-wrenching realisation that the creature is two human beings glued together at the face. One of the heads belongs to Jeremy and the other to a voluptuous woman I have never seen before in my life.

The blond head moans as Jeremy's bulging arms flip her around and slam her body against the back of the door, shutting it with a deafening bang in the process. She opens her eyes on impact and catches me staring, mug in hand, mouth gaping. Her eyes widen slightly as Jeremy starts devouring her neck.

"J.J," she purrs, "I think we woke up your little sister."

I raise my eyebrows scathingly at her and then turn to J.J. who twists around slowly to face me. His shirt is almost completely ripped open and his hair is matted to his forehead. It's almost comedic how his face falls when he realises that I witnessed the whole thing. But then his eyes harden and his jaw clenches. He straightens up, wiping his swollen lips with the back of his hand, as though removing the smudges of cheap lipstick from his face will magically erase my memory.

"J.J?" I ask, my voice heavy with vexation and maybe a hint of something else.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, voice hoarse and reeking of alcohol. He narrows his eyes and tries to focus his pupils on me. He holds onto the door with one hand to keep his balance and curves the other arm possessively around Botox Barbie's shoulders.

 Looks like J.J. has a type. 

The woman giggles into his neck and it makes my stomach turn.

"We'll be in my room. We won't disturb you," he slurs.

His lips are set in a tight line above his firm chin. His eyes finally find mine and it feels like a blunt dagger through my abdomen.

"That's okay," I reply coldly. "I was just leaving."

I cross the room to put my Bad Cop mug in the sink and then cross it again to get my bag from the couch, blatantly aware of both their eyes following me. Botox Barbie scoots out of my way when I get to the door but Jeremy remains firmly planted in place.

"It's seven in the morning. Where are you going?" he asks, suddenly looking focused and dead serious.

"Oh, how nice! You know the time," I retort contemptuously.

"Where are you going?" he repeats, his tone more demanding.

"Work, J.J! I'm going to work!" I snap at him. 

"What work? You're not going back to the bar are you?"

"What's it to you?"

"Ally," he warns, eyes dark and murderous.

"Do you really think I'd go back there? How stupid do you think I am?"

He stays put, studying me, calling my bluff.

"I'm going to be late," I grit at him.

"You found a new job?"

"Jeremy-" I start, the weight of the woman's eyes starting to get to me even more than his.

"When? Where? What is it?"

"Yes, I found a new job! When, where or what it is, is neither your concern nor, evidently, your priority right now. Now get the fuck out of the way and let me go!" I yell as the tears come dangerously close to showing him how upset he's making me.

He gives me a confused look which quickly turns to panic and then annoyance. He's probably angry that I actually did something without his knowledge. Or maybe it's my offensive language that gets to him. 

Before I can find out, I push past him, yank the door open and run out of the apartment, making sure to slam the door behind me.