Scars

Alternative Uses for Razors

When Quentin would put his head into Eliot's chest, he didn't mind, and coyly Eliot would take one of his earbuds and put it in Quentins ear. These domestic little habits he feared would soon become sickening to him as they were before he picked them up at all. For now living in limbo seemed to be treating both of them quite well, or well as it could with Quentin upset.

"You planned the perfect date El."

"Why thank you." Eliot laughed. "Can I get a kiss to thank me for it?'

As Quentin let out a weak laugh and went up to kiss him, Eliot was reminded how this was part of the problem, he couldn't say things like that even if he didn't mean them the same way Carter did. God when he thought stuff like that he felt like more of a therapist than a boyfriend. He took Quentin's head back to his chest and turned down the music till you could barely hear it.

"I wanna talk about why I got mad, and i know it's gonna make you mad."

"No it won't."

"Not mad at me, i know you don't get mad at me."

"Okay, I promise not to be mad."

"I want you to."

"Oh?" Eliot said, starting to stroke Quentins hair.

"Cause I'm mad about it too, that I got mad. I'm mad that I don't think you can ever call me baby, even though I know you want to."

"Q that's not a dealbreaker." Eliot said to empty air, met with a brief pause as he felt Quentins head bob on his chest with his breathing.

"Carter called me his baby, or called me a girl." Q said now obviously trying to hold back tears.

"Hey it's okay." Eliot cooed.

Quentin finally sat up and Eliot did as well to meet his eye, Quentin's eyes red as he radiated a quiet rage about him that bruned into your chest.

"You put on makeup sometimes, and it makes you feel good." he said.

"Yeah, I like wearing makeup. Margo does too. Is that something you want to do?"

"I..I think maybe I would have? Then. Cause before him I never really felt like anything, if I was weak or femnine like whatever. Then he wanted me to be, because I couldn't be a boy because that wasn't right. So he made me wear makeup, and cross my legs and shave and all that other stuff. I would wear tight clothes with him."

"And you didn't like that, it made you uncomfortable?"

"It felt like playing dress up, but all the time. Then it was like part of me, I was convincing myself I liked it, and that I needed to be taken care of because of the makeup and the babytalk. I..can't..."

"Hey honey, you're doing great."

"I don't know how to not feel like that. I don't know if I want to still feel like that."

"Okay, so maybe you don't quite know how you want to express yourself, and that's totally fine." Eliot said, trying to piece together in his head some way to explain a theisis worth of queer theory in a couple sentences.

"Q I think this is something we can totally play with, but how about you tell me some things that make you insecure. Like what are things that feel really out of place on you. Something like-"

"I wanna cut my hair."

"What?"

"I wanna cut my hair. He kept it long because that's what the girls had."

"Really?"

Sheepishly Quentin said, "Unless you don't think I.."

"Hey." Eliot said, grabbing his shoulders. "Not that you should give a damn about what I think, but you would look super hot with short hair."

Quentin smiled in a way Eliot couldn't really place, but he was fine with that for now.

"C'mon Q."

"What?"

"You wanted to do this and we're gonna do this." Eliot said, grabbing his hand. "Now sit by the vanity!"

"El!"

"Q now that I have the image of this I will not relent. Now where is that towel?"

"Right now!" Quentin said smiling as Eliot wrapped the towel around his shoulders.

He quickly disappeared into the bathroom, taking a second to chuckle to himself as he untangled the electric razor. He wasn't happy in the way he'd grown a bit used to being happy. Quentin doing things like saying no, asking for help, christ he was about to implement a gold star system for every decent meal he ate during a depressive stretch. As he lost himself in the wires Eliot realized exactly what he'd been treating Quentin like, a kid. Eliot was happy now because he was in love with someone a lot wiser than he was, and that man chose to love him back.

"Okay Q. Are you ready for this?" Eliot said poisoning the razor towards his head.

"Wait." Q said grabbing his wrist, then taking the razor in his own hand. He puffed up his chest and held his breath, slowly taking the razor down the center of his head. He exhaled as he pulled away, and just before he would have been breathless he started laughing. As Eliot let out his own breath he started laughing too.

"God that looks so stupid right now." Quentin laughed, wiping away a runaway tear.

"Yeah you definitely have a reverse mohawk going on right now."

"Help me finish it?"

"I would want nothing more."

Eliot went to work as Quentin happily cried. Margo eventually wandered in when she heard the razor and was asking which was having an existential crisis, turns out this was the kind she approved of. Quentin liked having her there, because love was something meant to be shared. You hold hands together out in the world, you don't shut it away in an apartment, kept under the haze of drugs and violence because it's too bright to look at from your point of view.

"Wow Q, somebody's gonna start pulling." Margo said taking her tongue in her teeth and arching her brow. Eliot laughed as Quentin got red in the face. He rubbed his hand over his scalp a few times before saying.

"I'm gonna show Alice. I'll be back in a few."

"Okay, I'll be here." Eloit is settling in with Margo.

"Bye Q!" Margo said.

After Quentin closed the door Eliot let himself collapse a little bit into his bed, Margo still sitting up.

"You really care about him don't you."

"Of course I do, I mean he's my boyfriend."

"Yeah I just worry that maybe.. maybe you haven't.."

"How about we just be happy for him tonight okay? Just tonight."

Margo let out a deflated sigh and laid down next to him and they both stared at the ceiling.

"You know I love him too right?"

"I know M. Now come cuddle with me."

"Oh like I'd ever give up the chance." She said with her trademark sass, and the two waited for something better to do. There wasn't.