Afire Love// ed sheeran

Fighting Turns Into Crying and Screaming

"What picture?"

In life, some questions can change your fate forever. They can twist your life into unintelligible heaps of trash. These questions can blow out your happiness like a whisp of cold breath on a flame. They can turn you into a metaphorical piece of chewed gum on the bottom of a shoe. These questions can tear you up and spit you out repeatedly until you are nothing more than a heap of skin and bone, gasping for breath as you sob. I may not have known it at that moment but this was one of those questions.

Taylor slipped her phone out from her purse. She tapped the screen for a moment or so before breathing sharply as she shook her head from side to side. "As much as I care for Ed, he made a mistake. You are my friend as well and I do not choose sides. I love you both. But as a friend, I won't just keep my mouth shut and let one of my friends be hurt."

Her words hit me like a brick to the face. What could be that bad? Ed had been her friend first and had even toured with her. I had hung out with Taylor a few times before but not nearly as much as she had hung out with Ed. I braced myself, or at least tried to. Truthfully, nothing could brace me for the picture I was about to see. Taylor hesistantly slid the phone to me and I picked it up, observing the picture.

For the second time that day, the breath was knocked out of me. I felt my lungs give out, the breath escape my lips, and it was difficult to force my lungs to work once again.

In the photo, Ed's lips were planted against Ellie Goulding's. Ellie, a singer from the UK, was Ed's ex-girlfriend but I knew this photo was not old. He was wearing the shirt I had gotten him in England, a red, blue, and beige checkered shirt. I could see a bit of the puzzle piece tattoo on his arm where the shirt was rolled up and wrapped around her shoulder. A smile was on his lips as he kissed her. He looked happy.

I pushed the phone away from me and walked out of the room to the kitchen. My mind was racing, my heart cracking. I leaned over the sink, trying to catch my breath. There had to be an explanation. EXPLANATION? There was no explanation for this. Anger filled me and I picked up a glass cup that was sitting on the counter, throwing it at the wall. The clear glass shattered to pieces and I slid down to the floor and sighed. Taylor walked in.

"Alyssa... I'm so sorry," she stated, her voice filled with sadness and regret. She slid down to the floor next to me, observing the glittering of the broken glass in the sunlight. I wiped a tear from my eye and shook my head.

"No, I'm sorry that you were the one to tell me," I whispered, pushing myself off the floor to get the broom and dust pan.

***

Taylor and I spent the majority of that day drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate and watching movies. I was not in the mood to face the real world. I was not in the mood to do anything but sob. At eight o'clock at night, there was a knock on the door. Taylor knew how I was feeling and she went to open the door for me. I heard a slight commotion at the door.

"She doesn't want to see you," Taylor stated.

There was a muffled voice, "Come on, open-"

"She doesn't-" Taylor began but I could hear the other person's heavy footsteps enter anyways. I heard Taylor try to protest and block the other person from entering with no success. Into the room walks someone I just did no want to see.

"Alyssa," Ed said and I looked at Taylor. An apologetic look was pasted to her face. I looked back at Ed and my face contorted into pure rage and disgust.

I walked out of the room and into my bedroom, hoping Ed would get the hint that his presence was not wanted nor welcomed. I focused all of my energy onto making it to my room. There I would be able to slip into a long slumber and maybe escape this nightmare. If I could only make the few feet to my bedroom door, muster the energy to open it, close it, lock it, and fall onto the matress-

Ed grabbed my hand gently and I spun around, rage filling every inch of me. His freckles, his eyes, his messy hair, the pain in his eyes, nothing mattered in that moment.

"I hate you!" I screamed, slamming my fists weakly on his chest. I pounded my fists on his chest but his hands wrapped around my wrists gently, bringing them up to his lips as he kissed my palm. I pulled my hands free from his grip. "Leave!"

His shoulders were sagging. He looked broken and I just wanted to break him down more. I wanted to break him like he broke me. I had always believed that my parents were the most vicious, untrustworthy people in my life. I had always believed that if someone were to hurt me, it would be them. In that moment, I realized that Ed had been the one to hurt me. I felt sick to my stomach.

"Let me explain-" he began.

"Oh yeah," I began, shouting at him. "Explain how you kissed your ex-girfriend and cheated on me," I laughed, shooting at evil stare. I pushed past him and grabbed my jacket from the closet, pulling on my boots as I headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice thick.

"I'm not your girlfriend, you don't need to know," I spat at him. He looked hurt, his lips turning down into a frown. I walked out of the apartment, trying to clear my head. I could hear Ed's footsteps behind me but I just ignored them as I raced down the stairs into the cold New York air. The streets were packed with traffic. I kept my head hung low as I trudged down the winding streets of the city. I ignored Ed who was trying to call my name. I just kept my glance at the cracked sidewalks of New York City.

They say that important moments in your life are played back in slow motion as you remember everything- the smell, the sights, every single part of the moment. The next moments happened in a few seconds but they play back slowly and last minutes in my mind.

I was crossing the street. Ed was behind me still. The air was thick with pollution. People surrounded me as they crossed the street.

"Alyssa," he called out, his voice weak. I had lost an inch of my anger and courage. I turned around and caught his eye. He was crossing the street, tears dripping from his eyelids. I wanted so bad to hug him. I would never be able to trust him and love him like I once did. He had hurt me in the most despicable way possible. He had broken me down. He had cheated. "I'm sorry." I tried to answer but the car heading in Ed's direction made me freeze. I tried to scream for him to move. But my lips wouldn't move. I couldn't move.

The car hit him and he went barelling. He smacked into the asphalt with a thud and then my lips parted and I screamed. The car halted a few feet away from him and I ran to him. He was bleeding but his breath was slight.

"Call 911!" I screamed, folding into a ball by Ed.

I loved Ed.

I love Ed.

But there was a part of me that believed everything happened for a reason.

Maybe this was a sign that we just were not meant to be.

I felt selfish, I was selfish. I just held onto him, shaking as I looked down at his broken body. He looked as broken as I felt.