That Place I'm Forced To Go

There's a forbidden place
My mind, a traitor
To this basket case
My emotions, invaders
Everyone around me, leaving
A bitter taste

The darkness within me
Suffocating
Drowning who I'm meant to be
Hating
That person I stare at in the mirror

To me
I see
A torn up drawing
A long-lost youngling
I the only one
That can see her crying

Others
Around her
A doormat
A pushover
Something to fix
What's been long since shattered

Tape
Glue
Brick and mortar
Not enough
Never enough
She's never enough
I'm not enough

She speaks
Through thickened walls
Her pleas for help
Unanswered
By those who dare
Say they care

Bullshit!

She reaches
Through crashing waves
Blackened and bitter
From bottling
Bottling
Shattering
Her illness
The illness in her head

In response
They hold her down
They tell her to wait
Wait and let them finish
For what suffering
Has she really faced?

Good life
Good family
Good job
Good school
Good friends

How dare she ask for help?
How dare she reach out?
"It's all in your head"
They say through unspoken lines
From the back of their lies

She deserves this
This punishment
For daring to complain
About the growing darkness
That once lay dormant inside of her

She fucked up
Accepting it
Saying it
Knowing it
Not enough

She forgets the light
As it tries bringing her back
Others' happiness
Far more important
Than this accident made
By a God she knows
Will one day forgive her

She read the texts
Each page a paper cut
Against who she used to be
Who she wanted back
She wanted her back
But the world became torn
Between the white and black
The gray
Killed
By the trigger pulled by its own hand
Hung by the tree outside its home
Suffocated by the pills in its throat

Now the corpse lies
Not ashes in the wind
Nor buried six feet below

Below
Below
The further she goes
The earth around her
Muffling her screams
Her cries
Her pleas

The world
Once a blank canvas
Now painted in red, white,
And black

The red on her hands
Shirt
Pants
shoes
Skin
Caused by one man
Woman
And child
Who dared say
"Your life has no meaning
Not even God can hear you pray"

She stands with the corpse of gray
As black and white slay
One another and say
"it's for peace"

She doesn't know
How to communicate
For the gray
And now the black and white
Demand to take action
When she's lost in a war
She didn't ask for

She didn't ask for this skin
This body
This gift of life
This neverending place
Where darkness chokes her
Wrapping her arms around
Her own neck and body

God this body
This body which bleeds
And grows hair that shouldn't grow
This body that was created
To immediately respond
To the touch of man
To accept each hand
To give in to the laws set down by man

Yet each woman, man, it, they, them
She's sickened by their beckon call
"To Hell with your natural instinct!"
She screams

"My body, my choice
My choice to hold off
On your sickening act
Of foreplay
Sixty-nine
Sodomy
First base
Second base
Third base
Home
Up to bat
Why should temptation hit
The moment my eyes lay upon
That thicc ass
Abs
And charming smile

Your member
I didn't ask for
A true friend is who I want to score
Not for your instinct
Your temptation
Or to grow your overpopulated earth
But for someone to go to
When this world turns its back on me
The one who says sex isn't my destiny!

I wasn't born a mother
Lover
Partner
I was born me
I was born, clearly in the wrong time,
But I didn't ask to be born
Had I had my way
I wouldn't have been born at all
Maybe then you'd be happy
Maybe then you'd have your say
Maybe then you'd love yourself
Instead of listening to these voices
They're only in your head
Who the fuck gives a shit about you
You look after you

Fuck the left
Fuck the right
Fuck your elephant
Fuck your donkey
Fuck your labels
Fuck your demands

I associate myself with myself
I don't give a rats ass if you want
My ears
My hands
My legs
My feet
My voice
My body

I've given you it all
Yet you dare say
I do not satisfy?
I know who the fuck I am
My ears are mine
My hands are mine
My legs are mine
My feet are mine
My voice is mine
My body is mine
You have all, use them as best you can
But don't put your burden on me
Unless you listen to my ears
Hands
Legs
Feet
Voice
Body
Unless in return you return your ears
Hands
Legs
Feet
Voice
Body

You want my sympathy
My pity
Take it
But my birth wasn't mine
Don't place me in a group of people
I don't know
Care
Understand
Anything about
You are you
I am me
Let us be
Unchained by label
Group
And party
For once I'll try and think of me
For once I won't switch
My full time focus and time on you

I want to get out of this place
The surface of where my light waits
But I feel you pull at my feet
I'll try bringing you with
But don't drag me down when
I am so close

That girl I once knew from the now
Shattered mirror
I'll fix and repair
To see her happiness once more
Should I leave you behind
I'll keep turning every once in a while
But let me focus on bringing her back
That girl I've missed
That girl I want to hug
That girl I want to say

"I love myself."