Sasquatch to the Moon

24: I See You

"Thank you." He mumbles. I smile, running my fingers through his hair.

"You're going to be okay," I pull back, holding his face in my fingers. "It's going to get better. So much better," I let him go. "Now let me make you lunch."

He nods. "Let me help."

"Thanks." I get on my tiptoes and kiss him on the cheek. He flushes pink.

Then I practically box him out away from the counter and start cooking. Every time he tries to lean in and help I smack his arm.

"Milo, you gotta let me help."

"Bowls," I shrug. "Get me two bowls and that will be helping." I glance at him over my shoulder. He looks a little irritated that I'm not letting him do this.

So I put the pasta in the bowls and bring them over to the table and we sit down. I eat quietly for a couple of minutes before he takes a long breath, dragging his hands down his face.

"So are you serious about breaking up with me?" He takes another bite and all I can do is nod.

"I don't think it's going to last, that's one thing. I know you don't want to hurt me, but you will. You said that the last two days with me have been some of the only times you've felt wanted, but at the same time, you hate the part of yourself that likes me. You'll tear yourself to bits if I'm any further in than friends with you." I take a deep breath. "I want you to not rely on me completely for that feeling, alright, it's just, it's the same thing as reliance."

"What do you mean?"

"Listen, I hate to bring him up again." I close my eyes. "I watched Steph deteriorate like this, not like this. But, he relied on alcohol, and I watched it get so bad that he would drink until he could smile. I can't tell you how much it hurt to see that the only form of happiness he saw was when he was so drunk he couldn't walk." I pinch my nose. "I know it's not the same. I know it's nowhere near the same thing, but if you rely on me to get that feeling, that feeling of being needed, you'll get dependent, and it will get toxic."

Håkon stays quiet for a long time. We eat our pasta in silence. 

"I know you're right, but I hate it." He mumbles.

"I know." I breathe. "And it's not going to be easy or fun or anything close, but you need to get all that together, and I need to test the waters around telling more people here."

"Do you have anything I can do, you know, to work on this?"

"Not today, you'll overpower yourself." I reach across the table and put my hand over his. 

***

I see you when you're down

And depressed, just a mess

I see you when you cry

When you're shy

When you want to die

I see you when you smile

It takes a while

At least you're here

I see you

Yes, I see you

I See You - MISSIO

***

if you don't listen to any other song in this book, listen to this one and watch the video. 

I swear I almost cried when they released this song. MISSIO has always been one of my favorite bands, but they're known for songs like the first one in this book: Black Roses. Hard, bass-y, heavy tune and heavy lyrics. The type of stuff you have to nod your head to. I remember clicking this release, expecting the style I was used to, and then just staring at the wall hitting repeat, repeat, repeat like I'd never heard anything like it. It straight up broke me, I mean, it was days and all I could hear in the back of my head was 'I see you when you chase/All the dreams inside your head/I see you when you laugh/And when you love until the bitter end' and it was wild, absolutely wild, that a song, goddammit a three minute long clip of music, could make me see so many things in so many different ways. Being someone who's gone through something like Rocket and Yeti have, and in the midst of the worst of it, hearing a band I love sing something like this absolutely reset me. 

MISSIO isn't completely devoid of any songs like this, no, they wrote Can I Exist in 2017, and I highly recommend watching that video and most importantly: reading the comments. Reading youtube comments might come as a surprise to some of you, but listening to a song like that and reading stories of people who have experienced it, it really settles differently. 

So, before I give you another 200 words of MISSIO review, I see you.

-rabid

ALSO DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO CALCULATE UNCERTAINTY I'M ABOUT TO FAIL PHYSICS