The Sky is Everywhere

Chapter Seven

I know what people think when they see my face. I just never imagined Taffy would think it too. But I'm not angry with her. We've been raised to feel worthless, and our scars have only added to that – Taffy's reaction is the product of years of bullying and cruelty. Maybe if we weren't in the CC, things would be different, but they're not, and I guess I can't blame Taffy for not wanting to think about an uncertain future, or one that she thinks we can't ever have.

Neither of us say anything else, and it's not long before Taffy's breathing evens out as she falls asleep.

But I can't.

Maybe Taffy is right. Maybe I'm just torturing myself by thinking about what-ifs and maybes, but ever since meeting Roan, I can't seem to help myself. What would life have been like if I had been born a first child? How different would everything have been? And what might have happened if I'd met Roan then?

I've read about relationships in books – good ones, bad ones, dramatic ones, and messy ones – but it's not the same as real life. Reading about them doesn't mean understanding how they really work.

Something else occurs to me, and it makes my eyes burn. If I had been firstborn, I would never have seen the inside of the CC, which means that I would never have been attacked by that boy. I touch my scars again, my chest tightening.

Would I have been pretty without them?

Pretty enough for Roan?

I don't know.

This is why Taffy shut me down. Because I am scarred and nothing will change that, and thinking about a life that will never exist is painful.

I try to put Roan and everything else out of my mind.

In my dreams I'm flying. I spread my wings and soar among the clouds and bathe in sunshine, and the whole world is laid out below me, more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. I am free as a bird.

A shape moves towards me, getting larger and larger, and it's Roan, flying up here with me. I raise my hands and let sunlight pour through my fingers, like liquid gold. I could swim in it.

Roan smiles, watching me. He doesn't have wings, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't need them.

He takes my hand and we fly together, on and on, until the sun melts into the horizon and the sky turns dark. The stars come out, pinpricks of gleaming light, and I gather them in my hands and weave them in my hair until I am made of silver.

Roan watches me, and his soft smile is the brightest thing here.

"Caia," he murmurs, and the way he says it makes me feel like I am made of stars and heartbeats and breath and hope. My heart is a dozen beating wings.

He moves closer to me, his feet skimming misty wreaths of clouds.

"Fetch me the moon," I say, looking up at it as it hangs above us, full and round.

Roan smiles, just for me, and reaches up. He plucks the moon from the sky, rolls it in his palm like a pearl, and then presses it to my chest, below my throat and between my collar-bones. It hangs there like a pendant.

"Roan," I whisper, savouring the taste of his name.

He drifts nearer, and the light from the moon at my throat and the stars in my hair paint him in shade of black and silver.

He's going to kiss me.

He's going to kiss me, and the blood is beating my veins, pounding in my heart, and I am entirely made of light, and I am flying, flying, flying –

– and then I wake up.

A soft gasp escapes my lips as I stare up at the ceiling, readjusting to the real world around me. My whole body feels like lead, horrible and heavy, weighing me down. I am not made of stars now. I am made of me, and that's pretty disappointing after my dream.

Worst of all, Roan isn't here.

I might not believe that he truly wants to see me again, but I do want to see him.

More than that, I want to help him.

When he first voiced his concerns about the Trials, I didn't want to listen, but he is right. There's no reason for people on the outside not to know anything about what they are or how they work. There's no reason for the CC to keep them so hidden.

But it isn't only that. I don't want to belong to the CC, or the government, or to anyone. I've been focused on the Trials as my way out of here, but I still won't be free. I'll never be free.

Unless this is a system that Roan can help tear down.

That, perhaps, is the most important point.

I've thought so often that the chain-link fence is the thing that stands between me and the rest of the world, but even after I move out of the CC, that fence will still be there, even if I can't see it.

And maybe it will all be for nothing. Maybe there is nothing sinister about the Trials, and Roan's group are seeing problems where none exist. But too many things aren't adding up and I need to know for sure. I've put so much faith in the Trials, and I need to know if that is misplaced.

I need to know if there is any chance for something more.

Tomorrow, I will go back to the fence and tell Roan that I want to help.