Falling for you

Chapter 10

The weeks that followed were one of the most harrowing in the seventeen years I've been on this earth. Sure, it wasn't stress inducing like the week before finals or trauma inducing like when my dad had left us and we had to pick up the broken pieces but it was pain nonetheless. Pure, ravaging, searing pain. All the castles I'd built in the air came crashing down. I'd been fooling myself when I thought it would be harmless fun and for once I was taking control of things. It had all spiralled out of my control and I was the one crying myself to sleep most nights. Fool that I was, I really did think that all the messages and the hanging out meant something to him. It hurt that I met this guy who was sweet, funny, smart, beautiful - the one who brought excitement to my life and made and took my breath away (in a good way, of course) – and he didn't want me. I'd had something amazing happen to me and then fate had chosen to cruelly take it away, leaving me blindly grasping at the disappearing wisps of sunshine. Fate is funny, really. Hilarious. The way people just swoop into your perfectly steady life and leave just as quickly, leaving a gaping hole behind.

The hardest part of it all was not crying into my pillow every night or feeling like a wreck every time I saw happy couples around me, it was having to pass Austin in the hallways and exchange pleasantries like he hadn't just torn up my world. The only silver lining to this gigantic mess was that he never brought it up and thankfully no one was the wiser for it. But having to smile at him and pretend that everything was fine between us was like stabbing myself in the chest with a knife each time. I swear, I deserve nothing less than an academy award for this bravery and selflessness. I was pretty sure that not having to see his perfect features up close would speed up in healing my broken heart, but I guess this was my of thanking him for his gentlemanly behaviour. After all, the urge to publicize the tales of another conquest must be overwhelming for most teenage boys. I had seen that happening enough times to know how 'mature' my peers were. My only solace was that he would graduate in 2 months and that would mean goodbye forever. The end of the fantasy; that's all it ever was. A fantasy.

2 Months Later

"So, do you think you'll get to see him before the graduation ceremony?" Abby asked hesitantly as we cleared out our lockers.

I paused as I took out my lucky armband and stuffed it in my bag. The graduation ceremony for the senior class was in a week and tomorrow was the official start to the summer holidays. Even though she knew my state of mind and had been a rock throughout the whole 'Austin Adventure', I knew that Abby secretly held out hopes that this wasn't the end for us. Sweet, romantic, hopeful Abby. I hope she isn't too disappointed when she finally realizes that this is the end of the road for Austin and me.

"I don't think so. No more school, no more Austin."

My smile faded as I saw her disappointed frown.

"I guess I could drop him a message congratulating him on his graduation day?" I offered and she smiled at me. We put our arms around each other as we looked down the hallway one last time before heading out the doors and embracing the two months of no-school bliss.

I offer my deepest admiration for having made it through 12 years of Norwood High. Rejoice, for you never have to gaze upon closely packed words on a piece of wrinkly paper -

Oh snap, you probably have to do some reading at Carnegie too! Again, I'm so proud of you for getting into your dream college!

Please accept my lame congratulations: p I'm honestly so happy for you!!!

p.s – Do send pics of the ceremony J

(Sent from my registered phone number. The emails were a thing of the past.)

Haha

Thanks, Em. That's sweet. Get ready to be bombarded with photos. My mom is all set to capture every moment of the ceremony. Let it not be said that I didn't warn you: p

I'll take my chances J

Em,

It's probably too late to tell you this now and I'm not sure how much good it'll do but....here it goes...I like you. I've liked you for a long time. Long before you even slipped the note into my locker. I was over the moon when I realized that you were the girl messaging me anonymously. I know that I made a humongous mess of the whole situation and I'm so sorry. At first, I kept it a secret because I was scared that you'd stop messaging me once you realized that I knew your identity. Later, I got scared that I was getting in too deep and I wanted out. Hence, that god awful talk we had at home. I could kick myself now for how cold and abrupt I was. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on your face, like I'd just kicked a puppy. My streak of dumb decisions doesn't end here I'm afraid. I continued to pretend like nothing was wrong and friendship was all that was on my mind when what I really wanted to do was to tell you that I was so close to falling for you and beg you to give me another chance. It was hell pretending like I hadn't just met the most interesting girl, the girl who wanted to know the real me, and only wanted the best for me. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know it in my gut that I shouldn't let you go.

But it's never so easy is it? It would be so great if I could just hit send on this email and have you know what I really feel but what good would it do? Even if by some miracle you accepted me back, we'd really only have this summer together. I'm going to college 2800 miles away from you and I couldn't bear to break your heart like that. Sure, we could carry on a long distance relationship but the chances are that it won't work out great. They usually never do at this age. If it doesn't work out, you'd probably not want to have me in your life anymore and that's something even more unpleasant for me. I don't want to risk it all for one shot at a relationship with the odds against us. The truth is that I want you in my life and beggars can't be choosers. I want us both to live our best possible lives and if we're really meant to be together, we'll find a way. It doesn't have to be right away.

My senior year has been memorable, thanks to you; one that I'll never forget. I want nothing but the best for you and I'm truly sorry for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me someday.

Austin

I opened my Gmail to find an email from Austin. I smiled as I went through all the graduation pictures. He looked so happy and carefree and I was happy for him. I really was. He deserves this. Looks like he sent the entire camera roll. His mom sure was excited. He got a full scholarship to Yale and I probably wouldn't be seeing him again. It's alright. He was happy and this is the perfect opportunity to completely flush him out of my system. Then maybe we really consider him as just a friend. Even though he wasn't romantically interested in me, he was a good friend. He had even given me all his SAT prep books as soon as he was done with his. A message popped up to break me out of reverie. Well, well, well think of the Devil and he messages you.

Pizza and a movie sounds good to you? I'm having some of my buddies over for a movie night and it'd be great if you could join us. Abby, is of course, welcome. We might even have your favourite caramel-flavoured popcorn, as a totally non-bribe snack, of course. Let me know J

I smiled as I pocketed my phone and headed out to meet Abby at the movie theatre where we'd both managed to snag jobs for the summer. I had a feeling that this was going to be one hell of a summer and I was ecstatic. Maybe things were finally falling in place. I couldn't wait to start working on my bucket list for the summer. A nice, awesome bang to precede my senior year. I could already picture it. I stepped out into the glorious sunshine with a smile on my face. Summer, here I come!

Adios.