My Diary (Don't Delete it!)

Will it ever stop?

The nightmares.

The nightmares about how worthless I am. About how replaceable I am. How easy it is for them to forget me. How easy it is for them to laugh when I'm finally gone. I realised how easy for them to forget that I ever exist and in their life. Am I a jest to them? I'm a jest in real life. Do I need to be that in my dreams, too? Can't I have a break from my own mind? I guess it kept me alive to torture me.

The stars?
My friends. People that I consider as one. People that I think, cares about me.

The thing is, I don't think anybody did. I don't think they care. Nobody ever cared. So...

I guess the nightmares are just the truth, ain't it? I woke up crying and then I continue to cry like my face can't be any uglier than they already did.

I'm tired. My body felt like it's broken. I'm not going anywhere with my diet. I continue to gain and my clothes are getting tighter and tighter and I continue to hate myself more and more.

I just, can I off myself for a moment? So, I know if anybody cared at all? I want to know. I need to know. Did anybody cares? Did they really?

My friends. My family.

Did they care?

My friends have other, better people to talk to.

My family? Love from them is not unconditional. I have to work for it and it's tiring.

Connect with new people? I can hardly keep my train of thoughts in their track. New people? Better not. I don't want another person to hate me.

I came so close to the razor this morning after I woke up crying. I almost go and look for it.

Unfortunately, I stayed in my bed. Feeling the tears drip down my face and soaked by the pillow with a hope, oh how I hope, that the feelings will go away.

It didn't.

I'm still feeling it.

And I'm tired.

And I'm still fat.