Cliché (Miya Atsumu)

24

I managed to get my own apartment by then and every day I'd come home alone and feel utterly empty. When I did feel happy I was still alone and had no one to talk to about my day and share that piece of pleasure with. It was awful, that lonely feeling.

My biggest problem was keeping it inside and not telling anyone how I felt about this. My insides suddenly turned hollow and grey since I had no one to be with.

(Y/N) is my girlfriend and I really want to be with her, but it's tough when we have to cancel plans because of jobs and exams. And I couldn't just tell her to put me on the top of her priority list since she worked so hard and I didn't want her to give it up.

Yet still, when I needed her the most she wasn't there.

Near my 21st birthday, we were initially planning for her to stay for four days and I was looking forward to it. We were going to spend those four days together completely and on the actual day of my celebration (last day), it would be a day with us and our friends. But she got an urgent call from her job back in Osaka.

Subsequently, she told me early in the morning on our third day that she has to go back later.

I was furious by the sudden news, which meant she wasn't going to be here for my birthday. No matter how bratty of me this sounded:

I ignored her with petty intent.

She originally confirmed to me before we made our plans that she would stay for those four days and we'd spend it together. But that didn't happen, she broke it off because of that silly phone call. Therefore, I continued to ignore her that day until she made an outburst.

"I can't believe you're mad at me for something like this!" She harshly scolded, "You don't know how important this job is! You just don't understand!"

The next thing was the single most regretful thing I have ever said in my life to this day.

My fuse also exploded and I sniped back at her at the heat of the moment.

"So what if I don't understand?! Go back to Osaka then! Leave!" I yelled, "Don't come back either!"

She pursed her mouth shut quickly, staring at me calmly and I stared back with hefty amounts of tension building up; the atmosphere between us was thawed and cruel. Her expression didn't waver, she didn't seem shocked in any way – but I on the other hand, felt extremely aggravated and was trying to bite down what I just said, hard. I couldn't take it back now that it was already spilled out my mouth, I stuck to my unwanted demand alternately.

"I'll leave then Atsumu... I think that would be the best option." And simply she left after grabbing her stuff quietly.

I was up drinking late by myself that night, sitting by my apartment's kitchen table. The loneliness swallowed me up as a whole and refused to spit me back out. It was even more hurtful than before now that me and (Y/N) aren't with each other.

It was also my first time feeling this much amount of emptiness in the heart, I can't even describe it.

There were no more petty quarrels afterwards, just silence and division.

Deeply contemplating for a while, I ultimately decided to call her the next week and it was plain shit.

"Hello?" She said timidly.

"..."

"Hello?" She said again.

I was a mess. I held my tongue back and struggled to properly apologize. Instead, I was certain that I made it worse like I just put gasoline in a burning fire.