If I Could Ride A Bike

If only you knew

* * *

“If only you knew,
What I would do for you,
I'd jump up and hold you,
So tightly;

But I will never be,
Able to do these things,
So I'm just left imagining”

-If I could ride a bike, Chevy

* * *

If only you knew, everything would be different.

If only you knew what I would do for you, I would have screamed. I would have shouted, telling the world, proclaiming to the while universe that you, my love, knew. I would have jumped up and held you so tightly, never letting you go, hiding you, loving you, kissing you. I'd kiss you, right there, as you stood in front of me, whispering to me that you knew. You knew.

If only you knew what I would do for you, I would have died from shock. My heart would have stopped, overwhelmed and overjoyed. I would have felt that fluttering in my stomach, except it wouldn't be butterflies. It'd be lust, and I would have brought you home, locking us in my room to show you how much I appreciated with my touch. How much I appreciated that you knew. You, my love, knew.

But we both knew —you and I both knew — that I will never be able to do those things. I would never be able to ride a bike with you, or even sail a boat. I'd never be able to bring you to a forbidden canoe trip. I'd never be able to stop you from leaving, or from traveling with your family. I would never be able to kiss you, to touch you, to pleasure you, of even to see you one more time.

But we both knew — you and I both knew — that I will never be able to do those things, because one, I'm crippled, and two, you're dead.

And it'll be too long before I'd be dead, it'll be too long a wait to see you. I'm unable to do anything but sit, eat, shit, and sleep, unable to get the hell out of here, in this stupid orphanage. I'd be dead, but not soon enough. My death will not be soon enough, so I'll have to resort to imagining. Imagining you were here, imagining I managed to save you.

I'm not yet dead, so I, Jeon Jungkook, am just left imagining.

-Jeon Jungkook,
to Shin Haeun, the girl
who died.