How Not to Vampire - Season 1

8. Drunken Shenanigans and Formidable Thighs

Pro-Tip for Humans #590: There's love at first sight, and then there's LUST at first sight.

The MILF standing at the bar had not been in anybody's plans, least of all mine.

I strutted into Cecil's Pub like it was my living room, where a massive party was being thrown in my honour. My arrival was almost perfectly timed to the throes of Bush's "Machinehead," which started playing the instant I opened the door. That was the moment I knew the Universe was fucking with me and providing a soundtrack for my life since this was yet another song from Jaime's Infinite Playlist. Still, it was a bitching playlist. I was still buzzed enough from the day of drinking to not give a fuck if I was being teased or not; besides, I was really looking forward to seeing Louise. Overall I felt pretty damned good.

The aforementioned MILF caught my full attention immediately. With perfect full curves and long legs, she was a snack in a short blue dress and damn: that ass! She noticed me noticing her and noticed me right back, a smile making its way to her lips as she gave me the best goddamn bedroom eyes I had ever experienced.

Instant woody time.

Holy shit, she's fucking hot, was what I thought.

"Oh, hi there," was what I said as smoothly as possible.

"Hi, yourself," she replied, biting her bottom lip seductively and thoughtfully as she checked me out, and for one heartstopping moment that could have gone sideways, she paid particular attention to the bulge in my pants. She apparently liked what she saw and raised an eyebrow that sent a message my brain interpreted as yes, she was definitely going to be fucking me tonight.

I felt a pleasurable rush of endorphins and broke into a goofy grin.

In case you're somehow out of the loop, MILF stands for Mom I'd Like to Fuck and had become shorthand for hot older women, in both the porn industry and real life. You can thank the American Pie movies for that. Most women didn't even have to be actual moms in order to qualify, and in porn it gets particularly confusing. Sometimes women in their thirties who were not moms at all, got lumped into the MILF category just because they were attractive "older women" to the target audience of young males. But wait: what about cougars you ask? Technically, hot older women were called cougars, but only if they had a liking for younger men, but we guys are lazy bastards and the term MILF and cougar had become interchangeable. Go figure, right?

This MILF was an attractive Italian-looking woman with dark shoulder-length hair, late thirties or early forties, but these days who can really tell? She was shorter than me but not by much and had the kind of body that showed the clear difference between a girl and a woman. Two other women were with her, a blonde in her forties and a dark-skinned black woman of indeterminate age, neither of whom had noticed me yet, which was probably a good thing. That way they wouldn't be able to convince their friend that I was a bad idea.

Speaking of friends—

Claude grabbed me by the shoulders and gave his most charming grin as he turned me around back on track. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to borrow my friend. We're already late to meet someone he hasn't seen in ages. Right, Bob?"

Claude pointed me into the dining and pool table area where I spotted Louise, my new 'babysitter.' She sat at a table with a glammed-up Sammy, and upon seeing me, jumped up and sped across the room, a wide grin across her beautiful face.

"Louise!" I practically yelled, breaking free from Claude's grip, leaving him without a drunk friend to redirect.

"And there he goes..." I heard Claude say to no one in particular as I rushed away, lustful temptation pushed to the back of my mind for the moment by the excitement of seeing my friend.