Sabi nga ni Landon Carter sa A Walk to Remember, "Our love is like the wind, I can't see it - but I can feel it."
"Neknek mo, Landon. To see is to believe kaya." Buwelta naman ni Sienna Alhambra na skeptic, hindi mapaniwala sa sabi-sabi at unreali...
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"Ang OA mo kasi!"
"Kasalanan mo 'to, Sienna!"
"You brought us to this hellhole."
My life in Manila ended with those words.
As if it was an aimless gunshot Bang! Bang! Bang! those three bullets went loose and penetrated my defenseless heart, leaving me dead on the spot—well, internally. But physically? My throbbing chest kept beating the drums of life na akala mo'y may makikinig pa sa dagungdong na ginagawa non.
I was shot and I knew I was dead. Ngunit bakit narito pa rin ako?
After questioning my existence, I started to feel like a zombie. Hindi buhay at mas lalong hindi rin patay. If you look at the spectrum of Black to White, you'll know that I'm in the middle.
Kung normal na araw lang 'to, kanina ko pa jinudge ang sarili dahil sa taglay na cringeworthy linyahan ko for today's vid. But I am too tired to feel, too tired to think, and too tired to move. Hinayaan ko nalang umagos ang alienating feeling na 'to just for today.
Mariin kong pinikit ang mga mata nang makaramdam ng kung anong talim sa dibdib ko. Bahagya pa itong nanikip kaya umayos ako ng higa.
Since I don't want this liquid sorrow to scatter in my face, hindi ko ginalaw ang brasong nakapatong sa mabibigat kong mata. Wews, ang drama.
Before I knew it, once again, I spiraled into a loop they called cycle.
I know I should stop this toxic behavior na kapag buryong-buryo na, hahanap ng paraan ang utak ko para sariwain ang past traumas. I'm aware that it's negative pattern. But then, I can't help it. Naging routine ko na 'yon and old habits die really hard.
"Ang OA ko raw." I monologued
I know my feelings are always intense, but that doesn't mean that it's a form of overreaction. I always wondered though, bakit lagi kong tinatanggap ang nararamdaman ng iba when they couldn't even handle mine?
"So, kasalanan ko pala?"
I knew deep within me that I was gaslighted. But am I truly gaslighted? Or is it really my fault?
"Dinala ko sila sa hellhole?" Ang daming alam.
May pa-hellhole pang nalalaman, pwede namang impyerno nalang. Pinasosyal pa talaga para maganda ang rebut. Hmp.
Pero ano raw? Sila ang dinala ko doon? Eh mukha ngang ako ang iniwan nila kasama si Satanas, dahil inaraw-araw lang naman nito ang pagpapahirap sa 'kin. Daig ko pa ang na-stuck sa purgatoryo dahil sa everyday mental sufferings ko.
