Killed With Kindness - Loceit

Oh soldier take your time, no one said the words all have to rhyme

*thinks about Logan singing soldier by Trixie Matell to Janus* Oh wow I'm soft

Tw: Mentions of past abuse in the beginning (I swear this chapter is fluffy)

Janus woke up screaming and sobbing. Which wasn't that unusual or at least not the sobbing part. He couldn't sleep without getting vivid dreams made up of memories that felt so real, so tangible. Usually he tried to keep himself to crying silently so he didn't wake Logan.

But this night the nightmare had felt so real when he woke up he was sure he was back in Patton's apartement. When Logan woke up and moved closer to him all he saw was Patton coming to slap him for being to loud. When Logan reminded him to breathe and calm down all he heard were Patton's words telling him that if all he did was whine and lie he might as well stay quiet.

"Please I'm tired I'm sorry but i don't I can't right now" Janus babbled out while covering his head with his hands.

Logan sat down next to him and calmly said....something. It was all lost to Dee. He heard vicious insults instead. He felt hands pinning him down and fingers digging in to deep to quickly.

Of course Logan was able to calm him down after a while, he always was but this was just one flashback in a group of tens and tens of flashbacks Janus had and would have. The fact that the only thing certain with his future was that he would continue to be stuck in the past made him want to sleep until everything was solved.

It was all so stupid. He couldn't hear the word cutie without tensing up and loud noises made him hide down under blankets. People baking cookies, animal puns and strawberry scented shampoo made him nauseous and it all made him feel like a giant oversensitive baby.

Logan told him it was trauma affecting him but all the so called traumatic memories were hazy like a cd which needed to be cleaned because right now the sounds kept being jumpy and nothing was able to be understood.

The bad things had happened to somebody that wasn't Janus and that somebody happened to be him. He'd never been connected to his body while it happened and his brain couldn't process the memories as it happening to him. His body remembered things his mind couldn't.

"Maybe it would feel better if you talked about it" Logan suggested one day after his friend had spent the entire day laying in the couch completely silent.

"I feel far too much shame to talk about it" he muttered back.

It was a deep sense of shame. Like someone had taken a knife and cut up a hole in him and filled it with shame, guilt and dirtiness and then sewn the hole up so none of it could escape him. All the sharp words were trapped inside of him and there was no way for them to come out. It was like his neck was filled with needles and if he opened up about what had happened the needles would puncture his throat.

Worst of all was that he missed Patton. He missed running his fingers through his hair and watching cartoons with him and getting to taste his new receipts.

He took a deep breath before quietly admitting "The worst part wasn't even the physical...a..abuse. Sure it hurts and they leave nightmares forever but bruises go away and scars fade" He traced the right side of his face.

Logan looked him up and down with pity.

"The worst part is getting grabbed by your shoulders and stared into the eyes and told that your body is under my authority now, I own it, you will never feel in control of your own body ever again, every time your fingers brush past your skin it will be my fingers you feel" Janus stopped and breathed for a moment before adding "Metaphorically I mean, he never literally said that, it just felt like it"