Bruise (Chanyeol Angst) by peachykaix

BRUISE [ IX ]

Red was the color that painted your skin through the sleepless night alone. Your eyes grew red from the endless stream of frustrated tears that dripped down your temples. Your cheeks changed hue from rawness, the sleeves of your sweater scratching away at them until they near bled. Your phone battery drained to zero, red painting the icon when you stared at it, debating calling him so his voice could fade your consciousness. Your lips drew too much blood to the surface when you bit down on them to stop another sigh from slipping out, desperate for it to all stop. Desperate for everything to be a dream you could wake up from rather than something you had to deal with when the sun rose back up into the sky.

But it wasn't a dream, the pain in your chest only amplifying when the black of night faded into a foggy grey through your open window. You weren't sure if you felt numb by morning from the air seeping through the gap or from the amount of tears you'd cried the night before. At this point it didn't much matter, fingers balled on your lap as you sat at the kitchen counter, steaming tea before you, eyes staring at the wall blankly while your mind tried to process what to do.

Chanyeol's voice was still ringing in your ears, the harsh words said the night before vibrating in your bones, reminding you of how cold he had looked until he realized the impact of the syllables. You could still picture his softening eyes and panicked twitches when you started to turn, like he could see behind your hard facade that he was pushing you away. You wondered if he had been as upset as you had been all night, if he had stared at his phone wishing he could hear your voice until the sun rose.

You felt like you'd reached your breaking point, everything and nothing making sense at the same time. You knew there were a lot of ways you could go about things now, some of them more destructive than productive, and all of them seemingly going to end with someone upset. You weren't sure you could handle the constant back and forth of Chanyeol's emotions, but you were also pretty positive without him you'd lose your mind.

You'd grown so attached to him that even the idea of never feeling his fingers on your skin again made your throat tighten, eyes blurring while you stared at the cup on the counter. You didn't want a future where he wasn't a part of it, but you weren't sure you could handle a forever with Jinah around, one where his heart was still trimmed with lace of her name. You didn't know if you could ever trust him in the place he was now, and anymore you weren't sure you could trust yourself to make judgements with your head rather than the aching muscle in your chest.

How were you supposed to move forward when beside him was the only place you wanted to be?

You needed to see him, needed to hear his voice and feel his presence beside you. You needed to ask him directly if he could change for you, if he could give up any part of Jinah he still held onto, because right now it seemed as if the answer to that was no. You loved him with every cell in your body, but you couldn't wait around forever for him to be ready to love you that strongly too. It felt selfish to even think, that you were too impatient to wait for him to finally move completely on from her, too hurt to stay and watch as she tried to pull him back in, but for once in your life you had to be. You didn't think you could stand to watch him get his heart broken again, even if it meant you had to break your own to avoid it.

Your body was moving out the door before you could overthink things, the windbreaker covering your arms doing little to subdue the chill that smacked against your skin. You didn't mind the stinging, didn't mind how thick the air felt from the morning fog, eyes downcast as you focused on the cracks in the pavement rather than the aching in your chest. His apartment wasn't close, a far enough walk to allow you time to second guess every thought and decision you'd ever made when it came to him.