My Life Plan...Undone

Ch. 22

(Author's Note: Just a reminder that the last chapter ended with Julie beginning to write her poem.)

"Broken Path"

A path is meant to be traveled and walked on
To go alone or have a companion
Is a question I have grappled with for a while
Who can you trust to walk beside you
To go the extra mile?

I thought I found that person
To walk with from place to place
But was I just a fool?
Was he lying to my face?

I thought your lighthouse would guide me
Lead me to the stars above
But I think the light is broken
I'm not sure I feel the love

Perhaps I'm the biggest fool of all
To think that life could be so simple
That things would just work out
But maybe life was waiting for me to fall

Maybe this is all a lesson
About what happens when you stray
From the path that you laid out
Since you were ten

One day I'll find out
What this was all for
I hope it was all worth it
And the path will lead me to bright shores

I email Ms. Parks before I can chicken out and while I'm still fueled by my emotions. I close my laptop as soon as I press "send" and put it out of my mind.

****

On Monday, I avoid Matt. I'm not mad at him, but I have so many different emotions coursing through me that I don't know what I am at him exactly. Mad, sad, hurt, embarrassed, feeling sorry for myself. You name it, I'm feeling it. I didn't go into detail over the weekend with the girls when they asked me how things went. I kept telling them I'd tell them later, but they could tell things weren't great or else i'd be bursting at the seams wanting to tell them every single little detail of our conversation. I just didn't feel like going over everything again and feeling even worse even though I can't seem to put any of these feelings and events out of my mind. It's like I'm drowning in my gazillion emotions right now. My friends...or Matt...could be my lifeline out of it, but I'm too much of a mess (and too stubborn) to ask for help right now. In the steps of dealing with issues I'm in the "please just let me wallow in my sadness" stage. I don't really want advice. I just want to be sad and pathetic.

As I wander from class to class I'm like a zombie, but instead of being the walking dead without a beating heart and emotions, I'm the opposite and my heart is beating too much with too many emotions bleeding out everywhere. Draining the life force out of me. I'm actively trying to not look upset or sad, so I think I just look kind of like I have no energy, which is fine with me. I'd rather have people think I'm just exhausted from pulling an all-nighter or something instead of knowing the truth. That I'm a fraud. For years I thought I had a plan for my future because I was super prepared and motivated. But, maybe what Matt said was true. I was just using my plan so I'd have something to hide behind. I'd never have to try new things that scared me. I'd never have to deal with unknown variables if I carefully handpicked all the variables myself.

I see Malibu Barbie walk by and give me a stupid smile. It irks me to no end that she is thriving off my misery. After I see her smug face, I decide to try to smile for the rest of the day so she doesn't think she got the best of me. Plus, I've read studies that say if you're sad and you purposely smile it can boost your mood.

"Julie," I turn to see who is calling me. It's Ms. Parks. Ahh what is she going to say about my poem? I did what she asked and if she doesn't want to put it in the issue that would be fine with me. Better than fine actually. Now that I think about it, I don't want people to know my innermost thoughts! I shudder at the thought.