Resistance

Chapter 25

The walls I'd surrounded myself with for protection against alphas had been broken down by the last one I ever expected to hurt me. I bared all to Eren – insecurities, vulnerabilities, fears, hopes – just to watch him ruin us with three words.

I have to, like we meant nothing at all.

Another loss. This one far more painful than I ever would have imagined. I didn't know how much more I could take without breaking down completely. All I wanted was to erase him from my memory. To scrub away every last bit, until nothing of that alpha remained behind to haunt me. Maybe then I would be able to sleep. Maybe then I would stand a chance of closing my eyes without seeing his face when he promised he would always come back to me, with eyes filled with warmth and sincerity.

Lies. That's all you ever gave me, Eren, and I was stupid enough to believe them.

I sat up in bed and glanced at the clock above the dresser. Three in the morning. This was turning out to be another sleepless night. If I stayed here, these thoughts would circle around my head until I ended up rushing to Eren's apartment in a fit of rage. I'd done that for the past three nights, caught up in a twist of emotions, but always stopped short before reaching his front door. What good would it do to confront him now, when he was leaving the sanctuary in two days? He'd made his decision. Anything I had to say wouldn't change that.

With a sigh laced with irritation, I turned on the floor lamp near the bed and slid on a pair of basketball shorts. The training grounds would be empty at this hour. I would go there to blow off some steam and tire myself out. That was a better option than paying a late-night visit to someone I couldn't even bear to think about.

I left my room at a snail's pace, my legs an aching mess. It didn't come as much of a shock that my physical state had taken a turn for the worst when I parted ways with Eren. Aside from him not scent marking me anymore, I refused to take any type of medication. It was useless. No amount of pills would dull the pain, and Hanji wasn't any closer to discovering a way to reverse the effects of the suppressants. I was on a one-way street to a slow and miserable death. Perhaps that's why Eren chose to leave me behind, because he knew I was a lost cause. I couldn't even fight alongside him.

What purpose did I serve in his life now?

The training room looked bigger without everyone in it. I didn't bother turning on the lights. In the dark, I limped over to a punching bag and leaned my head against it.

I don't need anyone. Stop wasting your time thinking about him. He doesn't want you anymore.

I squeezed my hand into a fist and punched the side of the bag. With each breath that rushed out of me, I slammed my fists against the bag over and over again, until I couldn't feel my hands. But I didn't stop or slow down. I wanted everything to go numb. I didn't want to feel a damn thing.

You knew you were going to lose him from the very beginning. Why are you so surprised? Did you actually think an alpha would change its colors for you? How pathetic can you be?

"I hate you," I muttered under my breath as blood seeped from my knuckles. "I hate you so much. You fed me lies even after I trusted you with everything. I broke my promise to her for you." I banged my fists against the bag one more time before I fell to my knees. Sweat dripped from my forehead, my lungs rattled with every breath I took, but none of it could distract me from the persistent ache in my heart. Not even the vibrant red of my blood as it trickled down the side of the punching bag.

I slumped against the wall. The urge to curl up in a ball and sleep right here on the padded floor mat was hard to ignore, but it wouldn't be long before people started showing up to train. The last thing I needed was to be gawked at. So, with what little strength I could muster, I stood up and managed two steps before my legs gave out.