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BATTLE 4- Confession 2

“Confession 2”

I wasn’t raised wrong, they made me one. Here I am, confessing my sins again. But it does not dignify me as a saint nor do I want your sympathy or empathy.

I wish I had left some sympathy for myself.

It's just that I have come across a path I don’t want anyone else to walk onto.

The path is filled with pain you cannot bear nor imagine. It is filled with demons you could never escape. It is filled with a silence that would eventually take away your soul.

So maybe people understood about me by my last confession and what I did but this isn’t about that right now.

It is about the mistakes I have made and I take full responsibility of. But, was it really done by me? Or was I made to?

I know I'm not supposed to blame others. But aren't friends always right? Don't they want nothing but the best for you?

Or so I thought.

I wasn’t raised wrong, my maa never taught me to lie nor was I a drug addict since birth. My mother did not teach me to cheat nor did she brought me up as a playboy.

My mother didn’t teach me to lie, then from where did I learn to lie? I was never a playboy then why did I turn into one? I detested drugs then what made me do it? Who made me into a monster?

“Them”

It’s them who taught me honesty is a myth and it won’t get you anything and yeah I had to believe because whenever I lied I got what I wanted.

So why not right?

I did not see nor realise the difference. Nor did I see that I was digging a pit for myself. I was taught, friendship is the best relation in the world.

But I forgot the part about "true" friendship.

I've lost myself for the people,
Yet they feign "what have I done?"

I never wanted this “Thug” type of life nor am I saying I'm some sort of thug. But the little me knew, people only loved you, if you were cool enough.

Again I forgot, real people, love you the way you are.

I lost the person in search of you,
Now I'm no longer the person they knew.

But unfortunately, the realisation hit me too late, as I know I'm no more the person I was 10 years ago.

Time changes people they say, but how does it change people? Does time have some magic wand? Or does time forces you to change?

In reality, the truth is, people, change people. Since childhood, I had no friends or siblings to play with or anything. Strangers became friends and I learned what they taught me.

I'm tired of trying to be the perfect version people want me to be,
I wasn't perfect but I tried to stay real.

Yeah, I have been bullied just because I had that innocent face and the character.

Was it so wrong to be innocent?

I never wanted to be the demon I am today. People say past is past but what about the changes past made in u?

The past haunts me every night,
Pestering to sing me a lullaby.
And so, the nightmares never leave.

I have been smoking for the past 8-9 years and have been on drugs and alcohol for 3 years?

And what is my age?
I am just 20.

I crossed my capacity that I ended up in the hospital for 4 days and not a single soul knew not even the love of my life and yes I was close to death. All you can say was if I would smoke and drink for a week more I wouldn’t be here writing this crap today.

That’s when it hit me. I thought of her and about the promises I made to her. Our future, our life, our present.

That day I made up my mind telling myself I have to live for her b'cuz,  I made promises; which I couldn’t keep, unfortunately, but again I tried my best.

I wasn’t a gym freak or I loved bodybuilding etc; Nah Nah. I chose bodybuilding life just so I can get over my past, my addiction. So I focused on that life which I obviously failed to.

If understanding can build a future
Then remember, anger or rage can destroy one too..

There is a lot to say... I just don’t want you people to go through the shits I am today.

I realise my mistakes, I regret my stupidities. I am remorseful of my actions.

But time waits for none and before I knew, I was too late.

And yeah neither could I give up on drugs.

I had stopped them for her. But now, for who do I fight my demons for?

I am into drugs and pills again.

I just hope to get a life to live or just die soon.

Accept your mistakes, lying does not make it better. The truth will hurt, but not break your future.

Remember,
A single lie discovered is enough to create doubts in every expressed truth.