I'm going to be starting adalimumab...
I really don't want to but I have to.
My glare up started on the 3rd of January. The plan was to have a colonoscopy before starting biologics to see how bad the situation is, but two days before the procedure it got cancelled because of Covid-19.
I thought that this meant that I would have to wait ages for any progress in my treatment and I hated the idea of feeling so sick for so long.
Today, I had possibly my last transition appointment into adult care (over the phone, thanks coronavirus) and the consultants have decided to go ahead with the biologics without any prior tests except the blood test I had back in January. This was great, hopefully I'll get to feel better sometime in the near future! But why am I so scared?
Firstly, in practicality, I hate the idea of regular injections. I had the option of infusions or injections, and I immediately chose infusions but then we found out that because my hospital is undergoing building work, the infusions unit has been moved to a different hospital which is much further away and much harder to get to. This meant that I kinda had to choose the injections, as it's much more practical not only for me, but also my parents.
I'm very unconfident in the idea of injecting myself regularly, I don't think I would even be able to push the button. It's not the needles that I don't like, it'd the fact that I have to do it myself. Maybe over time I'll be able to do it but at the moment there is a mental wall in the way and I almost cry thinking about the idea. Luckily, I'm living at home for probably at least 2 more years so I can have my mum inject me instead, but I hate that she has to do that and I also hate that one day I'll have to do them myself anyway.
Another reason I'm scared is because each new medication I take is closer to running out of new medications. There are four biologic possibilities I have, hopefully this one will last forever but I know that that isn't thinking practically and that one day it probably won't work anymore. I hate to think about how the next step after running out of new medications is surgery which is something I hope I never need.
Further, starting a new medication, especially one so strong, just justifies the fact that I am sick and although I know very well that I am sick and that I do have this incurable disease, it still sucks to be reminded of it especially in the form of feeling so ill.
