This Book Belongs To Melody (GxG)

Entry One

My dearest Valerie,

Let me begin by saying this, you are the love of my life, my heart, my soul.
The day I had you was the best day of my life.
You, my love, matter to me more than anything else in this world and I know grandmama would never let you begin to think such a thing, but regardless, I need to tell you, I would never willingly leave you.

Baby, sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Sometimes, there's no real rhyme or reason and all you can do is take what god has given you.

I wish there was some reason for this.
I wish someone would descend from the heavens and tell me exactly what I did to deserve this.

I was raised well, that's for damn sure.
Sorry baby, excuse my language.
I've never done any drugs, I listened to mama, I read my bible, I went to church and I did everything I could to raise you right.

Why am I here?

Was I kidnapped?
I don't remember it.
I don't remember anything after walking you inside. 

It's about 70 degrees, overcast here.
All day, every day.

Until the sun sets.
  
If the sun sets.

When the sun sets, this little world gets so much brighter.

It brightens until the dense leaves on the packed together trees look like tiny black specks, until the dew on the grass glistens like stars that shouldn't be as close to you as they seem to be, until the only way to prevent yourself from being blinded is to tuck your head in your knees and cover your eyes so tightly you see spots for hours, as you somehow still manage to feel and see the bright red heat through your eyelids.

I've no clue where the light comes from.
I haven't seen the sun, the moon, or so much as a cloud at all.
Not once.

It's all so empty.

The sky, the woods, the trees, empty.

The only live things here are the grass, about a football field's length around me, and the ring of trees surrounding it.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to smell anything other than pine again.

What really makes it harder to sleep at night is the silence.

Back home, at night, you hear car alarms and sirens, and loud jazz for each and every hour of darkness.
You never realize what sounds lull you to sleep until they're gone.

Even then, I went to the countryside once, I know that it isn't meant to be so silent.

Why, I couldn't sleep a wink down there with all the crickets, foxes, and raccoons and what have you.
They spent the whole night chirping, hollering, rustling through every bush they could find.

The country isn't quiet.
Not like this.

See, that's why I know this place isn't human.
Isn't mortal.

This huge forest full of places to hide, and hunt, with admittedly strange weather, but no civilization whatsoever?

I should be fighting off wolves for a blade of grass to sleep on.

And yet, there's nothing.
No one.
It's just quiet, deafening quiet.

There's no animal on earth that can hide well enough to not be noticed for this long.

I hit my head the other day.
Three days ago, maybe?

I'm not certain, I didn't think to bring my calendar. 

I had climbed to the top of a tree, I was trying to see if there was anything in the distance.

The trees are tall, frighteningly tall, why, they must be ten stories high.
They don't touch.
It's like they're a barrier, surrounding me, caging me in.

Out in the forest it's different, much, much different.

Their branches are all tangled together, like one big knot.
There's barely an inch of light that squeezes past the wiry little needles.
A cage in every sense of the word.

I climbed as far up as I could go before the branches were too thin to hold my weight and still, all I saw was forest for miles.

And miles.

And miles.

And miles.

I think that was the moment I knew I couldn't leave.

All I could think about was you, baby.
You're gonna be six years old soon, you're gonna be a big girl, Val.

Grandma will take care of you, I know that.
It doesn't stop me from worrying, I doubt anything would. 

It didn't stop me from picturing you, sitting there and staring at your birthday cake.
Thinking.

Wondering where mommy is.

I passed out.

I woke up as I was falling through the trees.

I saw the ground beneath me, getting closer, and closer.

I tried to reach out and grab a branch but I couldn't quite grasp any of them.

I could only feel my body hit the rough branches as the pine needles that had looked so close to normal seemed to pierce my skin.

I couldn't stop.

I knew I would die.

I thought of our last christmas.

The look on your face when you opened your present to see that doll you'd begged me to get you for weeks.

The way your eyes lit up, as that little gap toothed smile grew on your face, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

The way your little arms wrapped around me as you screamed in my ear about how happy you were that Santa got your letter.

I knew you'd stopped believing in him a while ago, the fact that you'd pretended for my sake nearly made me cry.

I wanted you to be the last thing I thought about.

Then I woke up.
In the middle of the field.
Staring out into that circle of pine trees.

It was nighttime, and I didn't have a scratch on me, I thought, for a moment, that it was a hallucination.
After all, I hadn't eaten a decent meal in a while.

That's when I realized, I hadn't eaten since I got here.
I hadn't been hungry, or thirsty, or tired.
I hadn't felt a thing, I hadn't lost any weight, and despite my fall I'm completely and utterly unharmed.

Valerie, little valerian, I love you.
And I love you too mama, I'll miss you both more than you can ever imagine.
But I'm not alive anymore.

And there's nothing I can do to get back to you.