How Not to Vampire - Season 1

5. Sic Transit Gloria

"I just want her to talk to me. Even a hello would be nice. We were together for a year, and now it feels like it meant nothing to her... like I meant nothing to her, you know?"

"Please allow me to counter your eloquent argument with two facts. A. you're whinging. B. the restraining order," Louise insisted passionately since Brits don't actually yell. "She will have you arrested!"

I looked away from Louise in indignation as Jaime entered the Bakery and Coffee Shop.

"I'm not whinging," I whined.

"Definitely sounds like whinging to me," Louise quipped. "You have been watching Rom-Coms again, haven't you?"

"If I lied and said no, would you believe me?"

"I'm putting this conversation out of its misery Bob. Tell me you're going home."

"Could you at least talk to her about me? She still listens to you."

"Let me think about it."

"Great—"

"I thought about it, and the answer is no."

"'Hello, customer service?'" I feigned a call. "'This friend is defective, and I'd like to return her.'"

"You know you love me. Now go home, Bob. Click!" And yes: she actually said click.

I glared at the phone and then sighed deeply, realizing how right she was.

"Bye, Louise," I mumbled.

I glanced around at the queue of people, and then leaned against the glass wall of the bus shelter. I occasionally glanced across the street at the Bakery and Coffee Shop, waiting for Jaime to make a reappearance with her coffee and bagel.

Bzzt! A text message alert popped up on my phone.

Claude: Hey, dude, you wanna grab some breakfast?

I shrugged and considered, then typed my response.

Me: Sure? I'm on the bus now. Just passing Islington.

Someone stepped in front of me, blocking my view. I looked up, preparing some choice words of a what-the-fuck nature, but I froze when I saw who was deliberately blocking me.

"Isn't Islington two blocks that way?" Claude asked, pointing in the wrong direction. "I might have to run to catch up with your bus, but I think I can handle it."

"Fuck," I swore again for emphasis.

Look, I'm going to save some time here, okay? You should always assume that Claude is dressed in a suit of some kind, mostly without a tie. Think of what you expect a movie star to look like on the cover of GQ magazine, and that's Claude. The topcoat he wore had a very expensive-looking weave that made my wallet hide in embarrassment. Dressed like that, he should have looked completely out of place in this neighbourhood, but as always, he managed to pull it off. He looked utterly at home, no matter where he was.

Claude had a disposable cup of steaming coffee in his hand, the logo of the Bakery and Coffee Shop proudly proclaiming where he had made his purchase.

"Louise totally called you, didn't she?" I asked in disbelief. "How the hell did you even get here so fast?"

"Funny story: I missed you at the store, so I was trying to catch up with your bus," Claude said casually as if I wasn't wearing my guilt all over my face. "You'll never guess who I saw jump out of that bus and make his way back to his ex-girlfriend's corner. I'll give you two guesses," Claude said. He paused to sip his coffee and peered at me over the lid. "Hint: rhymes with Bob, looks like you."