How Not to Vampire - Season 1

4. Jaime's Infinite Playlist

After a year of riding on the 6:15 AM #2 bus I recognized a lot of the recurring characters in this strange movie that my life had become. It didn't matter the time of year, they always boarded the bus at their same stops along the Bloor line. I didn't know their names of course, so I just made up names for everybody. The group of Filipino maids that boarded at Yonge and Bloor were the Four Sandras; the tall skinny Kenyan guy in the blue overalls I referred to as Ken; the short blonde girl who had an amazing smile and was always deep in her law journals was Reese; and the older black lady in her sixties who always wore what seemed to be about 80% of her wardrobe on her body, whose face, currently three inches from my own, was Crazy Mary, but in my defence, in her case she told me that was her name.

Crazy Mary's halitosis was particularly vile this morning, and I almost gagged on the cloud of garlic that threatened to overtake my senses and melt my brain to a puddle of garlic overload.

"Holy shit, what have you been eating?" I managed to gasp, one finger pressed against the front of my nostrils.

"It's garlic! Gotta keep them vampires at bay!" Crazy Mary noticed my reaction and glared at me, squinting suspiciously. "You ain't one of them are you? You ain't got the eyes but still..."

"Not even close, but if I was, your breath would be the perfect weapon."

"Ain't no vampire bit me yet, so it's working," Crazy Mary said happily.

"Oh, it's definitely working," I gagged. "A little too well."

Garlic breath pummelled my senses as Crazy Mary huffed in my direction. "You'd tell me if you was a vampire, wouldn't you Bobby?" she asked intently.

"I swear if I ever turn into a vampire that I'll be sure and mention it," I managed. "Can you stop breathing on me now? Please?"

Crazy Mary relented and pulled back, head bopping to her own internal music. She gave me a knowing smile and tilted her head to my headphones.

"So what's the girlfriend listening to this morning?"

"She seems to be into Radiohead these days," I replied. I had told Crazy Mary about the playlist one morning. "She's out of her Blue October phase, so she might be mellowing a little." Blue October had been seriously angry and intense, even for me.

"What you getting outta it anyway? Ain't like you're going to suddenly know what makes her tick from her music," Crazy Mary said smugly. "Might as well figure out how women think first."

I looked at Crazy Mary expectantly, waiting for her to finish the thought.

"And exactly how do I do that?" I prompted.

"Ain't nobody knows," she grinned. "That's crazy talk. Like you and that dang playlist."

"It's just a playlist," I insisted. "It's nothing. Just a way for me to feel closer to her, you know?"

Crazy Mary rolled her eyes, not buying what I was selling. Typical. If it had been Claude he would have totally understood what I was saying, not just because he was a dude, but because he was my bro, mi amigo, totally on the same wavelength and he always had my back.

"You know it's wrong no matter how much you want to pretty it up," she said, leaning away from me as if I was the crazy person.

I sighed, hating that Crazy Mary was right. But I knew what I was doing, and if there was anything I had learned from watching six-months' worth of chick-flicks, it was that Lloyd Dobler grand gestures only worked in the movies. Listening to Jaime's playlist might have made me feel closer to Jaime, but it was a one-sided closeness. She wasn't listening to music to send some message out to the universe, it was just her way of coping, and there I was, eavesdropping like an asshole.