What if I lived? ✔️

Closure (Bonus)

Oh god guys, this'll be so much longer than all the other chapters.

Of course, nothing came as I expected it to. Just because we'd gotten Myrina out of Blaise's clutches didn't mean my trust-issues suddenly vanished, or that Azriel and I were still almost strangers to each other.

It took some time and some fights, I'll admit it, to open up, to show him the darkest of myself without fearing that he'd turn away in disgust. But no matter what he found out, my mate stayed a constant.

We never officially labeled what we were, at least until we had worked through both our pasts. There were things that he had done as well, things that would've scared anyone else. It made me understand why Elain's relationship with Az hat broken over his history. But never with me, because I had done the same, felt the same, I understood. As spies, we had to do things to save our friends, things that would make any reasonable person go white with shock. And if one wanted to stay sane in that line of work one needed to walk a thin line between compassion and cruelty.

Once we knew the other inside out, almost better than ourselves, all their darkest thoughts, their worst fears, highest hopes, once we knew everything, I asked him. I had anticipated revolt, protest at least. I had been one of those girls that fantasized about her wedding or mating ceremony. I had planned it down to the detail and I wanted to do all those things with Azriel.

When I got pregnant the possibility of ever marrying or mating went up in smoke, dissipating into thin air. No male would take a sullied female as a wife or mate, not to say that I would've even trusted anyone. But with Azriel, I got a second chance at my dreams and I wished to do it right this time. Of course, we wouldn't do anything he wasn't comfortable with, that's actually what I began with.

I had arranged for Myrina to sleep in the riverfront house. We, meaning Azriel, Myrina, and me, had moved to the Townhouse a few months back, being around everyone all the time just got too much for me. I know it's not fair, but sometimes, I need things to be just quiet and simple. I also ordered Azriel's favorite food. Despite my excellent cooking, I had never dared to make dinner for us, because it would make things awfully official and I had just always dreamed of giving my first meal to my mate in front of my family...

But when we had eaten, just cozying up on the couch in front of the chimney, I started. I had a whole speech prepared.

The gist of it: Azriel Shadow Singer, would you do me the honor of letting our bond be blessed?

I was so sure he would at least demand some kind of conditions, but instead he just said yes and kissed me. Because I had been so scared of asking him I had spent no time thinking about what went into a Matingceremony, which is why the months of planning caught me completely off guard.

First, we needed a location for the actual blessing, it needed to be holy ground, with a priestess we both trusted. In the end, we settled with an abandoned temple just outside of Velaris. The ancient stone ruins were blooming with all kinds of flowers in the spring, giving it an enchanted feeling, the perfect metaphor. Beauty blooming on the broken past. Then there would be a feast, Feyre and Rhysand were kind enough to offer the garden of the riverfront house, where I would prepare a meal and present it to Azriel. I spent hours with his mother, replicating one of his favorite childhood dishes, somehow managing to keep it from him for the whole time. But watching me cook wouldn't be exactly exciting, so there would need to be drinks as well as appetizers.

Another endless debate was the guestlist, I had thought we'd keep it simple, a small circle, but somehow it became a real event with more than two hundred guests. Under those guests would be all the High Lords. Originally only Tarquin, Kallias, and Helion were invited. Tarquin because most of the group actually liked him (also, he made Varian much more bearable when around). Kallias because of Viv, and Helion because he'd make a fuss if we wouldn't invite him. Then Keir somehow weaseled his way into an invitation, then he had the gall to inform us that he'd bring Eris with him, for whatever reason. That made one High Lady and four High Lords, not counting my family, it just seemed impolite to exclude the others. It had actually been my idea to invite Tamlin. I wanted to see him one last time, so I could close that chapter of my life and begin a new one with Azriel.