My Kind of Woman

17. Spellbound Regret

"Good."

The carpet on the stairs was dark under where she was standing. She rubbed her face again, visibly stressed. "I need to lie down." She said.

I couldn't let the night go, not yet. I wanted to hold onto it for as long as my straining fingers could grip.

"Will you be alright alone tonight?" I asked, wiping a droplet of water off of my chin.

She dismissed me. "Oh God, Norah, just go home."

So much for holding onto the night. Like that, it was out of my hands and over. She went slowly upstairs and I listened to her bedroom door close. What could I have done? Perhaps I'd made the wrong decisions, said the wrong things. If I could've gone back, what should I have said differently? What if I'd rejected her kiss? That way I wouldn't have anything to miss, because then I wouldn't have known the feel of her mouth.

I trailed back into the pool house and tugged my clothes back on over my wet swimsuit, zipped up my parka and left the house. My ears stung in the cold and my wet hands were turning pink. My hair was dripping down my neck, beads slithering down into my shirt.

I still didn't know whether I wanted to burst into tears or joyfully kick my heels together. I was dazed and ecstatic that we'd kissed, but at the same time, I was feeling rough at her pushing me away so suddenly. But in response to my happiness, I still wanted to cry. I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes; my nose had started to water. If I could've, I would have dropped to my knees in the snow and sobbed and blubbed like a baby at the fact I'd experienced the most confusing night of my life. How would I recover? That was what was mostly on my mind at the time. How would I recover from her practically telling me to go away? It was the sharpest rejection. She even used the word 'never'. Never happen again. I thought if it did happen again, I definitely still wouldn't believe it. Things like that don't just happen.

When I came through the front door, my dad was asleep on the couch, a noodle box half eaten on the coffee table. The television was far too loud, blasting the laughter of a smooth-faced man, but I didn't turn it down. I went straight up to my room and flopped onto the bed, exhaling for what felt like the first time in hours.

I swore my lips were still tingling. I touched them with my finger and blushed. Her mouth had been so warm, so gentle. Though it only grazed me twice, her tongue too - it was endearingly clumsy in the heat of a first kiss. I thought in other circumstances that tongue would be quite deft. I thought if I'd opened my mouth a little wider and leaned our face a little closer, that tongue would've slipped in. It might've rubbed my gums, or stroked along mine with the rhythm of a deeper kiss.

The thought made me rub my legs together like a cricket.

I still didn't know what to feel. I didn't even know what to do. Sleep? I couldn't. Go for a run? My legs were tired. I thought if I stood up again, I'd fall right back down. Go talk to my dad? I couldn't do that either.

I couldn't stop thinking that Mio was also lying in a bed, not so far away, maybe feeling the same. But she was truly alone. In that big, lovely house, she was alone. If she hadn't have told me to go away, I might have been with her then. We might've slept a room apart instead of a mile apart. She might've got up in the night and come to me and whispered, 'I couldn't sleep.' Then we might have slept in the same bed.

That thought made me rub my legs together again.

After a few hours, I must've slept because I had a dream. I was on a huge never ending staircase chasing someone in a black robe, and every time I got close enough, they would suddenly get much faster. It was a hopeless chase but I didn't let up. I was extremely exhausted.