End of an Era

12 i think

OÍ OÍ OÍ 

(TW⚠️⚠️ Mention of self harm to extreme..) 

I'm back!!!! Today topic is mostly going to be about how I look at my body!!! But also more stuff. I don't know what it is but I'm noticing more and more everyday that I'm so so so unattractive and I'm not thin I don't have anything that is considered a good ass and I hate my chest (boobs). I fucking hate everything on me. I fucking hate the crease that is formed when I sit that's like my leg part and stomach I think you can say. But it's also a weak spot I don't know why but it is and whenever I run my finger through it , it brings memories back and I don't like it because it makes me sad. I knew someone who said they loved me and myself when I was Feeling down that they gave me kisses on spot that I am hating on now. I miss that reassurance. I miss them and no it's not because of quarantine I just miss how we got along and we would laugh and hang . Geek out about movies of the MCU or talk about anything. Who knew my sophomore year was going to be my last year with that person. I was a fool I do admit that we spent it on fighting and arguing on things that wouldn't matter for the long run. But I fucked it up because I had my own personal shit going on. Slowly and slowly I lost myself and I honestly think I'm still lost but it's me who has to find myself. But I feel like the closer I do get to finding myself it ends up with me just shutting down. I just miss them. I'm a pest though. So isn't much to do to be honest. I don't know what else to do anymore. Kinda wanna leave..like I don't think it would be a impact. I would want my parents to tell people it's because of COVID-19 . That I was a young one. I'm falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole but there is no out at this point. Whenever I was the dishes I look at the knifes and just stare at them and visualize what I can do. It calls me and it sounds stupid but it feels like it does. When I shower the hot water is on the highest now. I can cry in the night and I won't notice until I feel them on my pillow because it stained it. I don't matter anymore. I don't I really don't. So why would my death matter? I'll go out with quietness not a bang. I'm scared of heights like I won't be until I look down. So what if I do it on a building? No that's much work. I don't want my parents finding me either. Maybe I'll run and get hit by a car? But you can't always relay on that. I don't know I'm sorry this whole thing was dark I'm sorry. Nobody reads this though. Right? I just want to know so I can be back on tract that's all.