Sparks Fly

Chapter Six

Natalie

Approximately one and a half cups of cheerios- 150. With milk, maybe 200? Plus two pieces of whole-wheat toast with margarine- 360 calories. Natalie eyed her unopened jam packet warily.

"Natalie? Are you in for tonight?" Lucy asked.

She forced her attention away from her untouched breakfast with a touch of shame at how easily she had fallen back into calorie counting. "Sorry, what?"

"We're all sitting together at the fire." Hannah chimed in. "Cabin solidarity."

Right. It was Saturday, which meant the weekly bonfire was tonight. It also marked two weeks since camp had started. Only four left to go. Which also meant only three weeks until the talent show.

"Yeah, I'll find you at the firepit." She said, and let their conversation continue around her.

"Hey," Josh leaned over her shoulder on his way past. "You going to eat that?"

His tone was just casual enough that nobody else would question it, but she still scowled at the question. "Yes." She forced herself to eat a spoonful of soggy cereal.

He grabbed the jam packet and peeled it open. "Oooh, strawberry."

"I can handle opening jam." She hissed.

He shrugged and put the jam back on her tray. "Then why didn't you?"

She forced herself to take another bite of cereal instead of answering.

Luke came up from her other side. "Hey- is the dance ready to go today?"

"A rough version, yes. I need to make changes after I see it in action, but it's about as finished as it will get before that."

"Sweet. We'll try it after lunch."

She stared at her toast as the boys walked off, then finally started to spread her jam onto it. She could practically feel Josh's triumphant grin radiating through the hall, as though his goading had anything to do with it. Ugh. She hadn't had an easy food day since the talent show had come up, but the conversation with her father a few days ago had made it so much worse. She felt terrible if she ate anything and guilty if she didn't. Then again, she should be used to that by now. That had been the case when she first went into the treatment center, and again when she went home. Camp was a change in her regular schedule and diet, of course, it was going to be harder to stick to her recovery. If anything, she should be surprised that it took this long to get this hard.

She tried to force the rest of her breakfast down without calculating any more calories. She hated eating, especially when she couldn't distract herself enough to eat mindlessly- the worst parts of her mind got loudest when the rest of her thoughts quieted down.

Thanks to her time spent spacing out over calories, she barely finished eating before she had to start kitchen clean up.

The morning activity was an intense soccer game against the red team- Josh's group. He and Luke were surprisingly vicious against each other, and Natalie was amazed that neither of them ended the game with any injuries. Well, aside from Luke's ego when they lost.

Natalie's group was surprisingly eager to try the dance, if only to get it over with. They even let her set up her phone to film them and rewatch later for changes. As soon as they finished the first full run-through, almost everyone left to get to the second half of their individual choice activities. Even Maya offered a half-smile and a promise to update the music later on her way out to the lake.

Natalie settled onto one of the benches in the auditorium's audience area and pulled up the video on her phone to rewatch it. Luke followed her over, but didn't sit down. Instead, he leaned over her shoulder, assaulting her nose with scents of sunscreen, citrus, and general boy smell.

"You know, I really think that we're missing something right here," Luke said, tapping the screen to pause the video. "The transition seems a little off."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Don't freak out." He warned.

She raised her eyebrows. "That's not promising."

"Listen, I know you weren't a fan of this idea, but I think we could fit it in, and I hear that you're really talented." He took a breath. "I think that you should do a ballet solo. Or at least consider it."

She frowned. "No, I- That's not a good idea."

"Why not?" He asked. "Do you not know a dance?"

"No, I remember some. Mostly."

"Then try it." He said, as though it were that simple. "It's just me here. You know I'll tell you if you suck."

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?" When she didn't answer, his voice grew frustrated. "Sorry, my bad. I thought you actually wanted to dance again."

"I do!" She yelled before she realized how upset she was. She pulled her knees up to her chest and took a deep breath. "It's just... it's complicated."

He nodded slowly, and, his voice softened slightly. "We'll figure something else out, then."

His expression didn't quite match his tone. He looked almost disappointed. Natalie swallowed hard, and slid off the bench onto the floor silently and stretched out her legs. You can do this. She told herself. You're healthy. You're strong. You don't need to be afraid anymore. She stood up and headed up to the stage.

"What are you doing?" Luke followed her.

She held up a finger to silence him while she scrolled through her phone for the song. Once she found it, she handed him her phone and rushed to the stage, kicking off her flats as she ran. Before she even started, she knew it would be rough. She didn't have her dance shoes here, and her calluses had healed, which would make it even harder. Plus, aside from that one pirouette, she hadn't really danced- choreographing for non-dancers didn't count- since November. "Just to warn you, I haven't done this in months. It's not going to be as good as it should be."

"Okay." He glanced at her phone, then back up at her. "You ready?"

Not at all. "Whenever you are."

When the music started, her muscle memory took over, and she was able to stay in time with the routine.

As she finished the last spin, she wavered slightly, but caught herself and stared at the back wall until her dizziness subsided. Once she felt stable again, she glanced at Luke to see him clapping.

"Bravo!" He called, only a slight smirk on his lips. He had really nice lips. What? She panicked as soon as the thought set in. No no no. First the smelling good, and now this? She could not be attracted to him. No. Not happening.

She bowed theatrically. "Thank you, thank you."

"And you said it'd suck." He jumped onto the stage. "I lost track of how many spins you did at the end."

"Seventeen." She replied automatically as she sat on the edge of the stage. Four fewer than she had been able to do last time. As her adrenaline settled, her emotions took over, and tears sprang to her eyes. She swiped at them impatiently. "Damn."

"Hey, what's wrong?" He sat down next to her.

Natalie shook her head. "It's stupid."

"Hey," His voice was surprisingly gentle. "Talk to me. It's okay."

She took a deep breath and willed her tears to stop. When that didn't work, she forced herself to speak anyway. "Exactly how much of my phone calls have you overheard?"

"Really? That's what you're focused on right now?"

"Just- what do you know?"

He sighed. "My guess is that you were sick or something. Maybe a mental illness? And your dad didn't handle it well."

"Anorexia." She confirmed. "And anxiety, but that's mild, compared to... yeah. I don't think there really is a good way to handle it. He was just... disappointed. And worried. Still is. Anyway, my, uh, rock bottom or whatever you want to call it happened when I was rehearsing for my ballet company's production of The Nutcracker. I fainted during this piece- all the spins at the end. When they took me to the hospital, and found out that I'd been running on water, tea, and gum for the last three days, they sent me straight to a treatment center. Dancing again, and this song... it just brought it all back."

"Jesus." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry for pushing you to do this."

"No, don't apologize. I needed to do that. Closure, or something. I can never go back to dance if I'm afraid to spin."

"If you say so. Are things okay with you and your dad now?"

"Right now? Definitely not. He's pissed at me for doing this." She gestured behind her to the stage. "For wanting to go back to dance. He thinks that I stopped eating because of ballet- too much pressure to have "the perfect ballerina body" or something."

"Did you?" He asked hesitantly. "Stop eating because of dance?"

"No. At first, I thought maybe, but no. I stopped eating because of me. It's just... a lot of the things that made me good at dancing- perfectionism, dedication, being willing to do things that hurt at the time in the name of improving- also made me really good at starving myself."

He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry for asking you to get involved with all of this. I didn't realize that it'd cause problems with your family."

"Neither did I." She said. "I should have, though. He didn't really understand any of it. He grew up without having enough to eat, and he doesn't really get how he could give me this great, privileged life, and I'd choose... well, that."

"Are you okay now?"

That was a tricky question. "I'm eating, if that counts."

"And dancing isn't going to change that?"

She really wished that she didn't have to explain something that she barely understood herself as often as she did. "I don't know. Anorexia isn't necessarily just the not-eating thing. It's more complicated than that, and I can't guarantee that I won't struggle with the emotional side of it, but I can guarantee that I'll keep eating normal amounts. So dancing won't bring all of it back, and that's what matters."

"Jesus." He breathed and lifted his arm from her shoulders. "I feel like even more of an asshole over the rehab thing now."

"Don't." She said. "Then I'd have to feel like an ass over the criminal thing. It's settled."

"Deal."

She hopped off the stage and headed back to her notes. "If we're fitting a ballet part in this, I need to find a good piece to use. And maybe ballet shoes, if I can find a way to get those here."

"I might be able to figure something out." He replied.

"Wait, seriously?"

"No promises." He said. "I'll try."

"If you can't, it's fine. I can work out something that I can do barefoot."

He was quiet for a minute. "And you're sure that you want to do this? Even with how your dad might react?"

That took her by surprise. Was she sure? "I think so. If it gets that bad, my mom will get involved and talk him down."

"She'll be okay with you dancing again?"

"Yeah. She's a lot more easygoing than my dad."