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Chapter six- flashback

Three weeks ago back in the hospital

"If you hate every race equally, does that still
make you racist?"

"Shut up," I say to Billie tiredly, the pain medication I'm on making it hard to focus.

Billie had begun to ask these sort of questions quite often, and it was easy to see that it was her way of trying to take my mind off things. Even though I loved her for it, and normally I would be happy to engage in meaningless conversations with Billie, but recently it took more effort than I had to answer her.

After a short pause, I look up at her curiously, sitting up slightly on my hospital bed, "Does it?"

"That's what I'm saying!" She exclaims, ignoring my first comment, already adjusted to my lack of patience.

"But surely hating all races is racist?"

"Yeah but racism is just thinking that your race is better than others, but if you hate yours just as much and don't feel superior to anyone-"

"-then it's not racist?"

"Why is this the most intellectual conversation you've had in weeks?" Finneas says, suddenly speaking up from the armchair across the room.

Finneas, along with Maggie and Patrick from time to time, had the pleasure of witnessing Billie's mind at work, and me entertaining her.

"I don't know, I thought our bee conversation was pretty smart." Billie counters, pulling at the drawstrings of her hoodie and tightening the hood around her face.

"What about bees?" Maggie asks, coming back into to the hospital room after talking to one of the nurses.

"We made up a new constellation." I tell her with a grin, oddly proud of our little discovery made sometime around midnight.

Billie nods in agreement, "when you look up at the sky and see a bunch of dots, congratulations, you've seen The Bees."

"'Cause looking for actual constellations is impossible, so this way anyone can do it." I add and Billie hums in agreement as I speak.

"People born under The Bees, have emotions- " I start, and Billie quickly butts in as well.

"-are likely to be either male or female,"

"-or neither,"

"And will have birthdays sometime throughout the year."

We're meet with confused silence when we finish, making Billie and I erupt into laughter. I wince in pain at the movement, and place a hand over the bandage on my abdomen which quickly sobers up everyone in the room.

Billie is over in a heartbeat, making sure I'm okay and carefully lowering me back onto my back.

I feel guilty for killing the lighthearted mood, but the feeling quickly fades away when all I can focus on is the ringing in my ears and the throbbing in my stomach.

It's only been a few days since I first woke up after my surgery, but living in hospital was a lot more miserable than I had thought it would be. Billie and her family were trying their hardest to keep me company, but I hated the idea of them putting their life on hold for me.

"What's on your mind babygirl?" Billie asks quietly as she sits on the bed beside me, noticing the look on my face.

I figured that telling the truth right now wouldn't do anyone any good, so instead I lie and say, "nothing. I'm just really tired."

Billie gives me a sympathetic look, but it's hard to tell whether or not she believes what I'm saying.

Overhearing our conversation, Maggie and Finneas announce that they're are going to head out, saying that they'll be back to visit tomorrow. Billie insists on staying, and even though I kind of want to be alone right now, the idea of waking up in an empty room terrifies me.

Despite the fact that physically, I'm on the mend, I still feel my mental health continuing to deteriorate as the days go on.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before things returned to normal, and I just had to be patient, but it really felt like I would be left lying here forever.

The daily routine of hospital life was quickly becoming unbearable, not being able to do anything for myself with constant checkup from hospital staff, and Billie herself.

When the room is empty except for the two of us, Billie places a kiss on my forehead and slowly climbs off the bed, trying not to jostle me.

"Why are you all the way over there?" I complain, watching Billie as she tries to get comfortable on the chair beside my bed with a pout on my lips.

"I don't want to move you." She replies in a 'duh' tone, making me roll my eyes. I go to make room on the bed, but immediately hiss in pain and fall back onto the mattress, my breathing unsteady. Tears of frustration pool in my eyes, and I don't bother to wipe them away.

I'm so sick of feeling helpless.

"Give it time, baby," Billie soothes, coming to my side and brushing her thumb along my cheekbone, "you've only been out of surgery for a few days."

I nod my head silently, trying to believe her words but ultimately falling. Keeping busy was the only thing to keep me sane when things got bad.

Now I don't even have that option.

My only consolation is that it could be Billie in this bed right now instead of me. And I know that I would relive this again, ten times over, if it meant taking keeping her safe.

A/N: if the start of this chapter sounds familiar, it's because I spend way too much time on Instagram looking at tumblr posts

...And I had no idea how to start this chapter but that's besides the point

Drink water and stay inside when possible!

Much love 💕