Glow up diary

Unplanned update

April 10th 2020
11:00

The truth is I wanted to start this challenge to myself with the start of this week but instead I fell back to my hole. It's like a never ending cycle of hopelessness. I feel low and I binge then I feel guilty and worthless and so I turn to food again. It's like a very toxic coping mechanism. It's painful experience.

Until yesterday's night.

I was eating more than my body could take for months. It's been on and off but the past few weeks it got really bad. I randomly found myself thinking "I hate me".

A bit of a pre-story is that I struggled with restrictive eating habits and many hateful thoughts addressed to myself. I was losing weight fast during the summer. Never to the point I actually became skinny but I was getting closer to that goal with each day. But every story has a plot twist and mine is the start of the school year. I skipped breakfast in the morning and went to school until about 13 o'clock. Never ate snacks there. Then I walked back home and skipped lunch too. I was sleeping the afternoons off because I lacked energy - both physical and mental. I had an alarm an hour before my mom was back home from work so I could get up and do the chores and somewhat homework. And the one and only meal of the day was dinner. In tiny amounts every time. That kept going on until the entry tests started and I saw my grades drop. I felt even more disappointed with myself so I made a change. I thought I won't sleep all day but study. I said I thought... Turned out my body really craved food and staying awake only made my mental health worse. The only thing going around in my head was the thought of food. You can never know how intense it could be until you experience it... I guess I just wanted to stop thinking about that cookie laying on the other edge of the table so I ate it. Then ate the other one too because it tasted so good and then the third one looked fantastic, the next just seemed as a good idea... Until I ate them all and feelings started to shoot me in the heart. The disappointment, the guilt, all the hate and hopelessness that come afterwards... These feelings destroyed me. They made me waste the best years of anyone's life. The great 15-17.

That's how it started with my binge eating. Be aware I'm not sharing all the story. I didn't instantly just decided "Oh, I'll lose weight by starving myself". I do have a pre-story of that episode too (and also the previous episode) but I don't know if I want to share it.

I know all of this and previous experiences too doesn't really seem as a big deal, not even traumatic but it is. It really made me hate myself at too young age. Happily, today I have a better point of view. I'm looking forward to change. In a positive way this time and let's hope I am strong enough to beat any possible plot twists.

This week (starting on April 6th) I wanted to start my get better, glow up journey but things didn't meet my plans. I ate a lot. Again. I didn't necessarily felt as bad mentally. I think I'm kinda over the self-hate part now but obviously something is still holding me back. Maybe at this point my recovery has already began and at this point my body is suffering more than my head. What I mean is I am not thinking as self-destructive as I used to but I'm still binging. It's almost as a habit. And it makes me suffer.

Earlier this week I couldn't really say no to any cravings because it felt as a had lost control. But something happened last evening like out of nowhere. I felt full and I dropped the food. I just stopped eating. Now I'm aware how funny this may sound to a person with good relationship with food. They'll think "well that's normal. Thata what you do when you're full" but you only do that when you're healthy. And I haven't been in control of my eating in months. This just hit me. I felt hope and I felt so happy. Finally improvement.

April 13th
13:36

It's been 3 days in total. Not long but I just finished the few final lines of the update from the 10th. I just wanted to drop and say I'm still doing good. I do overeat but recovery never happens overnight. I count the recent days as part of my recovery from the toxic relationship with food I've developed through the years even tho I never ate perfect. I'm still eating much sugar. I have a strong sweet tooth unfortunately. Overall I am trying to limit my intake of sweets. In fact if it wasn't the sugar I'd eat very clean but I won't feel sorry for that because I know that I'm trying. I know I'm finally working on my goals. I don't plan to push myself too hard because I know how this reflects on me, I know it just makes everything and anything worse. I'm just gonna try live happy and appreciate myself, to love my body and to improve my soul, to make it brighter.