When All Else Fails (A Push of a Button Novella)

Chapter Eleven

A sharp pain stabbed through his soul, and he paused, closing his eyes against the memories of the older man's death. Why? Why, why, why? None of this was good. None of this was okay. He opened his eyes with a huff and forced himself to go on, but the anger and confusion built right along with the gnawing hunger in the center of his abdomen. All of it balled into one giant knot in the pit of his stomach.

Would he always end up giving up what mattered most and losing everything? Didn't he have a right to be happy or, at the very least, to have some answers about the matter? If he was going to lose everything, shouldn't he at least be told why? And then there was the fear. What if all of this was for nothing? What if, in the end, his life was meaningless, there only to play some part in a grander story, one thread that would make no difference.

Mr. H's words came back in that moment, firm and strong in his mind. Son, someday, you will come to a point where you and you alone must decide. He brought you to Himself, and He gave you faith. But being His doesn't guarantee that you'll do anything with what he gave you. But what had he been given besides pain, sorrow, and anger?

He stopped on the grassy bank of the creek with a groan and dropped to his knees. What had he been given? Only a bitter pill that no one should ever have to swallow. The rage boiled over, and he clenched his fists in his lap. No one was around to hear. He didn't need to restrain himself, so why bother? Throwing his head back, he yelled at the top of his lungs. At first, he only yelled. No words. This level of anger, confusion, and pain had none that could adequately express them. When he'd run out of steam to yell, then the words came. "You took everything away from me! You left me out here in the middle of nowhere, and you didn't even feed me this morning. What more do you want of me? Your followers are hunted down like dogs and put down, and I'm worse off than any of them because I'm not even allowed to die!" His words echoed over the quiet, hilly countryside. "And You know what's worse? I don't even get why! I mean, at least the others are dying for a reason. They're defying the Supremacy. What exactly do I accomplish by being out here, huh? Nothing, that's what!" He finally shut up. Not because he couldn't have kept going. There was plenty to be angry and bitter about. But now that he'd finished yelling at the empty sky, he was too exhausted to bother anymore.

He flopped back onto the grassy bank and stretched out on the ground. Fine. If the Father wasn't going to feed him and wasn't going to tell him why in the Skies he was out here, he'd just lay here and starve to death. Not much point in continuing to go on in this torture, was there?

His mind drifted as he lay there, flitting from one thing to the next. It finally settled on something. A quote from the Bible Mr. H had given him. How long had it been since he'd thought about the book? Not since they'd left the farmhouse, certainly. He'd been too upset, hungry, angry, and afraid to even think about it. But in the silence of the late morning sunshine out here in the middle of nowhere, the words he'd last read before they had to leave the farm came back. Do not be surprised when trials and suffering come to test you as if they are strange occurrences. Rejoice, instead, as you share His sufferings so you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.

He lay there, the words whirring through his mind over and over again. Rejoice in suffering? Well, he'd failed at that. He'd forgotten every promise the Father had made to him, and he was spending his time out here sulking and raging instead of asking what he should be doing.

It was simple, really. And it was also the one question he hadn't bothered asking. He'd asked why. He'd asked what the Father was doing. But what should he be doing? No, he'd never asked that. And maybe that was the problem. Maybe the whole point of this was not to bring the Father glory by showing others how powerful He was but to bring Him glory by showing one ungrateful wretch how gracious and mighty He was.