Voir Dire (N.H.)

twenty nine

"I think this is a conversation that would be better to have in private." Krystal's voice shook every so slightly as she spoke, and Niall couldn't help but notice that she can't seem to look him in the eyes.

"Okay," he responded cheerfully. His insides, however, churned in anticipation of what Krystal could possibly have to say to him in a private conversation.

His insides continued to churn. While they exited from the restaurant with Krystal's hand intertwined with his. While they drove in near silence back to Niall's house. And now, while Niall sat impatiently on his sofa as he waited for Krystal to speak. 

She was staring at the black and white framed photo of The Eagles positioned on Niall's wall and Niall could have sworn that she hadn't blinked since they'd arrived. He watched as Krystal twirled a piece of her hair inbetween her fingers, her chest rising and falling in deep even breaths as if she's concentrating on her own respirations.

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out suddenly, her words leaving her mouth so quickly that Niall's not even sure he heard them correctly.

At first, Krystal's statement didn't even register in Niall's mind. It made sense to him- why Krystal would be acting so anxious, why she seemed like her mind was on something else. And then suddenly, his brain comprehends why she's telling him this. His stomach lurched. It couldn't be.

Niall's mind scoured for any recollection from that night. But there were hardly any pieces to be found. He remembered Krystal showing up at his door, her remembered comforting her, and he remembered laying in bed afterwards feeling like he'd been punched in the gut- but the in between? That was all a bit blurry, like his emotions had blocked it from his mind.

"But," Niall began, as if protesting what Krystal had said would somehow make it less true. "Didn't we use..."

"I don't remember," Krystal spat, as if she'd suddenly gotten her voice back. "But I'm on the pill and I mean I guess sometimes I forget or a miss the alarm but I swear I always take it when I remember and..." Krystal began to ramble.

Niall didn't hear the rest of what she said, her words sounded muffled, like Niall was underwater. He certainly felt like he could be underwater. Like he was drowning- the outside world slowly slipping from his grasp. 

"Fuck," Niall muttered under his breath. He felt his pulse quickening, his head pounding, and his breathing becoming ragged. He couldn't be in here, in this space with this announcement. He rushed towards the back door, flinging it open with a bang and rushing out onto the green lawn.

"Where are you going?" Krystal shouted but Niall didn't even hear her.

He stood there for a moment, inhaling and exhaling deeply. He felt like he was not even in his own body. Like he's watching a movie of his life- a very bad one at that, where everything that could possibly go wrong for the protagonist does. Niall looked up at the blue Los Angeles sky. He figured that at any moment, the skies would open up in a torrential downpour, to really set the mood. They didn't. Instead, the sun shined back at him and he felt that maybe he should curse at the world for all the bad cards he'd been dealt as of late. But he couldn't do that either, because this -this was all his own doing. It's the wake-up call that Niall had needed for so long. The shock to his system that finally made him realize that he was on a path to self-destruction. And in that moment he realized that his life was never going to get better if he didn't start taking back control. And that started with facing the consequences of his actions. 

Niall heard Krystal sniffling as he re-entered the house. He watched as she quickly tried to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand, but even that couldn't hide the puffiness that now surrounded them. He instantly felt guilty for running out on her like that. She'd probably been terrified to tell him in the first place, and here he was bolting like a total dick.