THIRTEEN REASONS, THIRTEEN CLUES {Book 1 of the Violet Trilogy}

First Reason, First Clue

I remember now, her eyes and her hair, her kindness... I remember I would stare at her for whole lessons at a time, and I remember two days ago her salty tears as she told me she's sorry.
And now I know what that sorry meant. She was sorry that she was going to die, sorry that she jumped off the cliff... sorry about what it would do to me.
And I think now I realise I should have been braver. I should have sat with her, I should have always been there for her, but I was too scared that I would become unpopular. And it sickens me.
Even though I never really met her or got to know her, I was unknowingly falling for her. So now I am thinking that I deserve this grief.
After Mr Edwards announced her death everyone gasped, but no one cried. She had no friends.
So yesterday we were sent home in respect to Myrcella, which meant no school. That was a relief, I guess. The memory of her still lingered in the school.
So today is Saturday, which means a sleep in - but I'm wide awake. I'm not sure what time it is, but the sun is just over the horizon, and there is no chance of me falling asleep.
The reason is I can't stop asking myself the same question: Why? Why did she jump? There was obviously no chance of her surviving if she jumped; Shallow Ledge does not live by its name. It is hundreds of feet tall, a cliff looking over at the sea. Beneath the ledge is a mass of jagged rocks and ocean that slowly erodes away the cliff face. It was sure she would die of impact.
And she did. They found her crumpled body at the bottom, and it was established that it was her own doing. Nearly half her bones were broken, and they tested her for any intoxication - but she was clear. So now it's obvious she did it for some reason to do with grief or depression.
A single tear slithers down my cheek as I stare at the ceiling of my room. I really should have done more for her. I might have been able to save her, if I hadn't have been stupid and selfish. But no - Ezra Turner, the most popular guy in school, was not going to give up his popularity for some depressed girl. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I picture myself standing at the edge of Shallow Ledge, staring down at the depths of rocks and the ocean lapping at them. I feel one leg lift, and I am leaning over, feeling the wind in my hair, hearing the whistle of my body in the wind as I let myself drop, the salty air whipping my face and my arms outstretched like an eagle in flight. I feel fear as the sound of the cascading ocean's roars of excitement become clearer, and I know I am close to death even though my eyes are shut. Very soon, I will feel my bones break, I will hear the thump as I hit the rocks...
And then suddenly I'm on my bed, swimming in a pool of sweat and puffing as if I've just been for an intense run. I'm sitting up, eyes wide and slowly becoming aware that it was just a dream, just a dream.
I swing my legs off the bed and stumble towards the door. I open it and move to the bathroom, which is just to the left, and slowly catch my breath again.
So that was what it must have been like for Myrcella.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror, clutching the sink for support. My brown hair is tousled and all over the place, and my dark eyes are weary but wide. I am Ezra Turner, and I am alive, and I did not just fall off a cliff.
That was Myrcella.
After a few moments of calming myself down I begin to brush my teeth and attempt to flatten my hair that seems to be sticking out in all directions.
Once I'm finish I take a deep breath, make sure that I look calm, and slowly descend down the stairs. I don't know what I'm doing exactly, but when I open the front door and step out I know.
I'm going to Myrcella's house.
I know where she lives; practically everyone that goes to Shallow Ledge High live around here. Yes, you might have realised that the school is also called Shallow Ledge. Well, the whole town is named after the cliff, which is depressing because Myrcella wasn't the only one to give up their lives there.
I walk back behind my house and find my bike leaned up against the side wall, tangled in weeds and bushes that have woven itself in there since I last rode it. Last time I seen it it was a nice blue, but now it's rusted and probably not safe.
I spend a bit of time trying to untangle the stubborn weeds, tugging and pulling and then finally hauling it out of the weed's grasp.
I get on the rusted bike and use all my might to move the pedals, which squeal and wine each time it turns. I ride off my driveway and onto the side of the rode, keeping to the gutter when a car comes past.
Shallow Ledge Park is a whole lot of winding and twisting roads that accommodate modern houses, all of which are part of Shallow Ledge Town. Most people live here in Shallow Ledge Park because it's safe and some would say it's kind of cute. Shallow Ledge Beach holds Shallow Ledge itself, the cliff that so many people have taken their own lives on, including Myrcella.
I ride, slowly because of the rust, towards where I know Myrcella's house is. I live in Beach Way, and Myrcella in Fortitude Road, so it isn't too far away.
When I see the lamppost that holds the sign Fortitude Road I instantly push my bike further. The squealing will get the better if me if I don't get there fast enough...
And now I can see her house. It's beige slightly, with a sky blue roof that makes it look a lot like a beach house.
I park my bike against the mail box and take a deep breath, and start to think that maybe this isn't a good idea. I mean, her parents are obviously grieving, and I wasn't really much of a friend to Myrcella, and the only reason I'm here is because I feel like I should be. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her parents.
I gingerly move towards the front door. What am I doing what am I doing what am I doing oh Ezra what are you doing?
And now I'm at the door step, slowly raising my hand to knock. What will I say? And whatever I do say, what do I expect to happen?
But before I can even knock the door is wide open and a woman with curly hazel hair is standing there in the doorway. At first I thought it was Myrcella, but then I realise it must be her mother.
"Are - are you Ezra?" she says quietly, face tear-stricken and dead-looking.
"Uh, yeah?" I say, and I'm worried it sounds too much like a question. How does she know my name?
"Ezra. Well, you can come in. My - Myrcella's room is over here," she chokes, stuttering on her daughter's name. I almost feel like I need to cry too, now.
I couldn't tell you what their house looks like, since I'm wallowing over how Myrcella's mother knows who I am, and why she's leading me into her room. But then I'm in there, and her scent completely overtakes me. It's hers. It's Myrcella's.
Myrcella's mother stops at the doorway, seemingly unable to walk into the room. She nods to me, then says so quietly I can barely hear, "Spend as much time in here as you need. Call out if you need me." And then she's gone.
I take a deep breath and look at Myrcella's room. It is about the same size as mine, and very bland. A simple white bed sits in the corner next to a built-in wardrobe, and a window beside that which is the only source of light at the moment. And that's it. No paintings, nothing.
I walk over towards the bed and get a wiff of her sweet scent that smells faintly of lilacs. I pick up her pillow and put my nose to it, using the smell to remember her...
I notice that she must have made her bed before she jumped. And I also notice that a small folded piece of paper is sitting on the bed.
I drop the pillow and grab the paper, unfolding it so quickly I didn't think it was possible. My heart beats faster as I open the paper on its last fold. My eyes skim over the words twice before I comprehend what it is saying, and each letter sinks in every time I read it. And it says:

Because you looked at me.