ICARUS - Hawks x Reader

FIFTY THREE: It's Always Been You

Immediately, Hawks stepped back, nearly tripping over his own two feet. There was hazy fear in his eyes, and I swallowed my urge to apologise.
"Sorry...I'm sorry, I got carried away, I-"
"Your clothes are filthy. Take them off and get into bed, you idiot..." I motioned to the laundry basket in the corner of the room, and he took the longest while to understand what I had meant.

"Oh..." Sitting back on the vanity, I carefully studied the man as he undressed. Although his minor struggle with his clothing was amusing, I was focused on his body. Had he lost weight? Had I just gotten used to seeing him only in his puffy jacket and pants? Stripped down to his boxer briefs, Hawks sat down at the end of the bed, rather gracelessly. "I think I drank too much..."

"No shit." Approaching, I stood a foot or so away, trying to give myself enough time to compose myself. If I was just going to roll over and give him what he wanted, he had to do it my way. "This is your final chance, Keigo. I love you, but fuck, I can't take another lie. Do you understand me? If you don't, then you tell me right now."

The speed of which he nodded his head would have made anyone dizzy, and I was surprised that he hadn't blown chunks then and there.
"No more lies...Just...please...don't throw me away again...I know I deserve it, but..." He trailed off, and my last reservations fizzled away with his voice. Slowly, I crawled into his lap, my lips meeting his as quickly as they could.

"Just shut up and let me look after you..." As much as I had missed his voice, I didn't want to talk. Words were empty, and repetitive. His hands were all over me, and mine were all over him, which made his weight loss all the more obvious. I could feel bone where I hadn't been able to before, and for some reason he just seemed frail.

It took little to no strength for me to knock him onto his back, and he winced a little, his wings trying to splay out beneath him. Climbing off, I shimmied out of my pyjama pants, leaving on my stained sweater as I resumed my place on top of him.
"I...didn't expect sex..." Hawks gulped, his eyes half-lidded and hazy. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to...w..we could just talk and cuddle..."

His erection told me what he would rather, and I knew that there was no point trying to have an in depth conversation with him at this point. Yes, I wanted to speak with him properly at some point, but with both our mindsets being stirred up by our own individual issues, physical love seemed to be the more appropriate route, as inappropriate as it was. Besides, when had we ever done anything the right way before?

"Keigo, just show me. Cut the talking shit. It's old." When I began to grind myself against him, Hawks melted like a puddle, his head lolling back and his hands moving to guide me. There wasn't really any need to rile him up anymore, as he was more than ready, but I needed to be the one to decide. It was a twisted power trip I needed, and despite it being almost pathetically desperate on both sides, I couldn't stop myself.

"You're...so beautiful..." Hawks murmured, his hands gliding up the curve of my hips, pushing the wool of my sweater along with them. When he reached my breasts, I released a shaky sigh, falling prey to the warmth of his touch. It felt right. Nothing else could compare to the feeling.
"Fuck, I missed you..." I breathed out, nails scraping against his chest as I rubbed against him, eager for the heat between his legs to pass through mine as soon as possible.

When I dipped down to kiss him, savouring every taste if his lips, his whole body tensed up, and squeaking out, I was pulled flush to his body. Wings curling, hips rising, it was a little too obvious what had happened, and I had to blink a few times before it would even register.

Oh.

"That...wasnt..." His breath was uneven, and even though he wasn't letting me pull back, I could see the crimson colour blooming in his cheeks. "...That was a little too quick...even for me..." Sighing, I gently pushed off of him and climbed to his side, pushing my (H/C) hair out of my face.
"Yeah, well...it's probably for the best..." I explained, letting him know I wasn't upset. "I wasn't thinking...and I have a few things I need to sort out first, anyway..."

How could I do this to Natsuo? Why didn't I even think about him? I'm a horrible person...

Now on his side, Hawks placed a hand on my knee, his thumb brushing lightly against my skin.
"If you want, I'll leave..." He sounded so helpless, and it ripped at my heartstrings. Shaking my head, I stretched to grab the duvet, pulling it up and over us.
"No, it's fine...You'd probably fly into a helicopter rotor or something if I let you leave before you sober up..."

When I laid down, my back against his chest, it was like the click of a padlock. A perfect fit that couldn't be pulled apart unless we had a key, and neither of us would ever be able to locate one.
"I know I'm selfish...I should've just left you alone to be happy, but...I can't lose anything else...You're all I have..." Hawks murmured, burying his nose into the back of my head. "You could've had Endeavor as a father in law, and I took that away from you...I really am a big, stinking butt..."

I chuckled, but it was low and lacked feeling. Just knowing I had to break Natsuo's heart hurt me, but I couldn't keep playing him. He didn't deserve it.
"It's always been you, you dumb bird...Ever since you stalked me down in the park..." I replied, staring into the pale paint of the far wall. We fell into a long silence, and I wasn't sure whether he had passed out or not, but I still had something I wanted to ask. "So. Suzume, huh..?"

His hum was barely there, but he pulled me in a little closer, one of his wings stretching out before falling limp again, hanging of the edge of the bed.
"Mmhmm...she's always there, every time I try to sleep..." He whispered, one hand splayed across the expanse of my stomach. "My hair...your eyes...She would've been...perfect..."

Even though his vision of our late daughter was nothing but a fantasy, I felt jealous. He at least had that. All I could envision was a shadow, no features, no colours. Nothing. It was probably better that way. I could barely handle the grief as it was, so if I had a face to picture, then I likely wouldn't be able to function.

"Keigo, will you still be here when I wake up..?" I asked him, yawning as my eyes began to close. He took a while to respond, his heartbeat finally starting to even out, pulling me further into the realm of sleep.
"I promised you...that I wouldn't make any more promises...but...if I'm not..." He took a deep breath, and as he exhaled, he abandoned the remainder of his consciousness.

"...I'll definitely come back for you..."

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*** I'm not on a roll with writing. My bad, fam.

Now, I know that the votes for a lemon were significantly more than against, but I personally felt bad for my reject Todoroki boy, so you got crumbs instead.

Also, I'm still mad at Hawks. No spoilers in the comments please, but if you know, you know.

Next Time: Don't Be So Understanding + Voyeur***