"Of course she can do it, she's the smartest student among us after all."
"I bet you'll ace the exams."
"She'll definitely receive tons of awards."
"She never disappoints anyone."
"You're super talented."
I keep on hearing those things over and over again, and I can't help but feel sick over it. Smart, nice, sweet, talentedㅡthey all see me as a versatile person who always make it up to everyone's expectations. Should I be happy about it? They say I should, because I've earned everybody's respect.
But why can't I be happy over it?
Those kind of things.. everyone just makes me feel sick. Why do I have to meet up their expectations? The people surrounding me doesn't define me but no matter how much I try to live for myself, I alwaysㅡalways end up being controlled by them.
Feelings, emotions. These two are the most complicated things I've ever encountered. I try to be myself, but the feeling of anxiety always tend to hinder it. It sucks, everything just sucks.
People told me I have never disappointed anyone but of course, they never know, how I always disappoint myself. What's more painful than disappointing yourself?
Whatever I do, things just won't work well. No matter how I give my best, I still feel worthless, useless. How come I've become like this? When I know to myself, I'm capable of doing everything?
"I just want to disappear." I mumble to myself as I lay peacefully on the grass. The weather is really nice but my heart is too heavy for me to enjoy it.
I'm not smart, I just think differently from them. I'm not nice, I'm just doing things that won't make me feel bad. I'm not talented, I just tend to give my best in everything I do. I'm not a happy person, I'm just laughing to hide all the pain I've been feeling.
My thoughts have always been bothering. Somehow my mind keeps on reminding me of all the mistakes I've made and it just makes everything a lot worse.
How I said something wrong while we were having a class report? I remember it clearly. How I chose the wrong one on our practical test? I remember it. Every mistake, every wrong thing I did, I remember it all and to be honest, it's really suffocating.
Tears started to flow down my eyes as once again, I regret everything I've done. My mistakes, my wrong decisions, my heartbreaksㅡwhy do I have to remember it all?
"I'm not a strong person at all." I mumbled as I sob, covering my eyes with my right arm. I remember how my friends tend to tell me how strong I am for I can laugh and make people happy despite all the happenings in my life but no, they're completely wrong.
I'm a very weak person.
I've always been scared to rely on other people, to open up my struggles. I tend to ignore my problems, all I do is to run away from it. I'm a coward, and I don't understand how they all see me as a strong and brave person when all I wanted to do is to break down and cry everything out.
Their expections, their words, their worries.. no matter what I do, other people affects me a lot.
"You are a strong person." A voice interrupted my train of thoughts. The voice is too familiar that it made me cry even more. "Stop doubting yourself."
I feel him taking a seat beside me and the next thing I know, he's giving me a pat on my head.
Of all the times I've felt like breaking down, he's someone who never fails to comfort me.
"You know you never really have to live carrying their expectations and all." Jaemin softly said. "It's your life, they may affect you but hey it's still your life."
"And it's completely fine to make mistakes." He muttered. "I know you're thinking about those mistakes you've made."
"When you feel like the world is too heavy for you, please keep in mind that you have me." Jaemin stated as he reached for my hand. "I'll help you carry the heavy world you're living in."
"Thank you." Was all I could say in between my sobs.
A weak person.
I always believed and I bet I'll always believe, that I am a weak person. Someone who's scared of doing things for her own, afraid of the judgements by other people. No matter how much I try to hide it, my fragile heart will always be there.
But I think it's completely fine to feel like this because even if I feel worthless, I have tons of amazing people who'll remind me of how great as a person I am. I have people who'll love me despite my flaws and I have myself, who'll accompany me 'til the end.
The world is too heavy but the people surrounding me makes it seem light.
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