I wake up a lot later than I intended to. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep right away. I sat on my bed, journal in hand, for hours, hoping he would come see me, but not entirely sure what I would do if he actually did.
So now it's almost 10am. The blackout shades in my room make it seem like the middle of the night, but the clock tells me the truth. Well, that and I can hear my mother and Lindsey downstairs cleaning up from breakfast. I stretch and haul myself out of bed, not entirely ready to be up yet. I pull on some leggings and a top and run a brush through my hair, even taking a minute to put a little bit of make up on my face before I emerge. Why am I so concerned with how he sees me? Maybe it's ridiculous.
The girls almost run into me as I step into the hallway, chasing a frazzled looking Sulamith. My little dog looks up at me, begging for rescue, and I bend down and grab her.
"Good morning, ladies."
"Good morning, Stevie," says Leelee. "I was trying to put a bow in her hair."
"She doesn't like bows very much. We could pick out something for her to wear today, if you want to," I offer. She nods vigorously, and I bring them into my bedroom. A box of all of Sulamith's things sits inside my closet and I bring it out, letting the girls scatter the clothes across the room as they search for just the right thing. They finally settle on a red outfit I had made to match one of my stage dresses, because the red made her look "like a Christmas dog." I wrangle the dog into the clothes and watch them play with her for a few more minutes.
"Hello, my beautiful girls." Lindsey walks in and kneels beside me, listening intently as the girls describe Sulamith's outfit to him. He looks at me and smiles, mouthing a thank you. I wave it off and stand up, desperate for some coffee. He stands with me, hugging me to his side and kissing my cheek.
"Good morning."
"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
"I did," he assures me, still resting his arm on my shoulders. "Come downstairs. We have food and coffee ready." That's all I need to hear.
The day is full of chaos and last minute shopping and cleaning and cooking and laughing and by the time everyone sits down to dinner, I'm worn out. My brother and his family arrived earlier in the day, and a couple of my friends join us. A dozen of us are gathered in the dining room, letting the kids run around and burn off the last of their energy. Christopher and Lindsey are talking about something I'm totally not interested in, and Lori and mom are engaged in a conversation about tomorrow's food. Everything feels... well, exactly right. Eventually, I see my friends out, and am left with Lori, Chris, and mom. Lindsey is upstairs wrangling children, and we start cleaning up.
"Lindsey's doing really well, considering everything that's been going on," says Lori, handing me a dish to dry.
"He is," I affirm. "He's a really good dad."
"He's also lonely and completely in love with you."
"Oh, I don't know, Lori," I say, trying to dismiss her. "Things are really different now."
"Which is why it may not be an epic disaster if you go down that road this time."
"Are you seriously encouraging me to go back to Lindsey?"
"I'm just saying. You're both 60 and single and clearly in love with each other. At least spend the night with him. Lord knows it's been long enough."
"I don't want to talk about this, Lori."
"Don't be so uptight. You could both use it." I roll my eyes and choose to ignore her, positive that I'm blushing. Christopher and Lindsey return to the living room and I hear them fooling around on guitars. "Let's go sing, huh?" Lori put her arm around me and walks me into the living room.
I sit at Lindsey's feet and harmonize with him, so happy to be playing music with him. We sing a few songs together before Lori stands up and excuses herself, dragging my brother with her. I'm annoyed that she was so obvious, but sort of grateful that they left us alone. He keeps playing, and I keep singing, watching his hands move over the strings. He finally stops and puts his hand on the back of my head. His fingers tangle in my hair and I rest my head on his knee.
"Are you going to stay down there on the floor?"
I stand up and he sets his guitar to the side, watching me a little too closely. I don't know what comes over me, but I straddle his lap, my hands squeezing his shoulders. He stares at me, his hands resting on my hips and waiting. I'm not sure what to do now that I've positioned myself on top of him.
He finally can't take it anymore. "What are we doing, Stevie?" I don't have an answer, so I kiss him, my fingers running through his curls, letting his hands slide up my shirt.
"Let's not do this here."
"Tell me what we're doing first."
"Stay with me tonight." He doesn't resist, walking with me to my room. I shut the door behind us, and he flips on the lamp. He stands in front of me, his eyes dark, burning into me. He stands just out of reach, but I'm suddenly afraid to approach him.
"Stevie, listen. It's been a long time. You have no idea how much I want you right now. But I'm not... I don't have the energy to fight with you or lose you again." He looks so vulnerable right now. I'm usually the one telling him to leave, trying to ensure I don't get hurt again.
"You don't have to lose me again. I haven't gone anywhere."
"I have kids now. I can't just..."
"I get it," I interrupt. "Lindsey, do you want me?"
"Are you kidding? I never stopped wanting you."
"Then take me. For once, this doesn't have to be hard. There's nothing in our way."
"We get in our own way."
He's right. I don't know what to say to him. "I don't know if we'll screw it up again. I do know that you're all I've been able to think about. I love your kids and your life... having you here makes everything feel..." I hesitate for the right word. "Complete, I guess."
"You're not bored with me?"
"You've got what we always wanted," I remind him, walking into his arms. "All of it."
"Then why does everything feel so fucked up?"
"Well, you weren't supposed to do it alone."
"Yeah, there's that." He rests his chin on my head and exhales. "Is it okay to say that this sucks? I love my kids, but I want to record. I want to tour and work again."
"I know you, Lindsey. You don't like going to bed alone at night either."
"I don't." We pause for a minute, neither one of us moves.
"I meant what I said."
"Which part?"
"All of it. I want you to stay with me."
"You're sure you want all of this?"
"Of course I still want you. And your kids."
"I love you, Stevie." He pulls back and looks down at me, tracing my cheek and collarbone with the back of his hand.
"I love you, too." He kisses me and lifts me off the ground, his hands holding onto my thighs. I let him drop me onto the bed, pulling him on top of me. He pulls my top over my head, then watches me wiggle out of my leggings.
"You're perfect," he whispers, his hands running over my ribcage.
"Get down here." It comes out as a command, and he yanks his shirt off before he descends on me. Suddenly, his hands are everywhere and our bodies collide in a tangle of limbs.
"I missed you so much," he says, his head resting on my chest, his hands still playing on my skin.
"I missed you, too." I stroke his hair and close my eyes, already starting to drift off.
"Baby?"
"Hmm?"
"You're not going anywhere, right?"
"No. I'm... definitely not going anywhere."
He kisses my chest and falls asleep in my arms. I could get used to this.
