It turned out the discomfort had a word, one that he had found after many hours of late night digging in the light of his laptop.
Dysphoria.
It even sounded unpleasant. And it really was. Tikki kept asking him what was wrong, why was he so sad, what was with all the loose clothing all of a sudden. And Merlin's answer was always the same. Nothing. Nothing was wrong.
But the desire to rip himself a new body was always there, that underlying need to be different. He didn't want to admit it to Tikki. He barely wanted to admit it to himself. But Marinette was pretty sure he was trans.
And the only way to change anything about himself in the name of being more comfortable, was to talk it out with Tikki. And his parents.
"Hey, Tikki." He couldn't help but cringe a little, wishing his voice were deeper and more masculine. "Can I talk to you real quick?" Tikki floated over to him, always eager to be of help. Thank God for Tikki, honestly, always the supportive and helpful little companion that he needed.
The desire to remodel his room was back. Oops.
"Tikki, I think.... I think maybe I'm..... trans." He hated himself for stuttering, all high and girlish over the words, wished they came out smooth and deep and calm. Like he was confident in himself.
"Oh. Okay!" Tikki took the revelation in stride, hardly surprised by the information that he had been sure would rock the world of everyone that knew him. After all, he had spent the first 14 years of his life being unbearably girly, wanting to be a fashion designer (that hadn't changed - now he just no longer wanted to be like Gabriel Agreste; he wanted to BE Gabriel Agreste), constantly wearing pink and flowers and having a bright pink room complete with a vanity and polka dots.
So he had though it was safe to presume that everyone would be shocked. But maybe his discovery about himself hadn't come as far out of left field as he had assumed. Maybe it really was obvious that his discomfort was gender related.
"Do you want me to use a different name for you?" Tikki's acceptance was a blessing, really. He couldn't thank her enough as long as he lived.
"...Yeah. I was thinking ... maybe Merlin?" Yes, like the wizard. Even aspiring fashion designers needed a little bit of King Arthur in their lives. Fiction was an escape Merlin had lived on for years. To put himself in the skin of someone else, preferably someone male, had always been a treat, in his opinion.
And then he came to an unfortunate, earth shaking, realization. Adrien, his crush for more than a year, was straight. And he was not, and now knew he never had been, a girl.
"Wait! Tikki. Tikki, Adrien is straight. And I'm a boy." That was going to be a problem. Or maybe not, it wasn't as though Adrien had liked him in the first place, Merlin thought bitterly. "And I have to come out, at least to him and Nino and Alya. I can't keep this a secret any longer."
"That's okay, Merlin! If they are your friends, I'm sure they will accept you." Tikki's happy little chirp wasn't nearly enough to calm Merlin's rising despair. Actually, it made him want to throw a pillow at her.
"No! I mean. I want him to like me, not just accept me!" Merlin's desperation was showing. He was totally torn. Between telling Adrien and his other close friends about his gender identity and keeping it a secret to have a chance with his crush.
"You have to tell him. If he doesn't like you, that's okay! You are perfect, Merlin and if he can't see that regardless of your gender, he's not worth it." Truer words had never been spoken. But Merlin didn't want to ever think of Adrien as not worth it. If anything, he was the one that wasn't worth it to Adrien. Perfect model son and student, Adrien.
