Internally

caught

The next day I woke up on the floor. Not the first time. Haha. Casey woke up shortly after. We eventually cleaned everything up. She was ignoring me. Wtf. Whatever. I got plans today anyway.

I haven't seen Stephenie in what feels like forever. I got a shower and got dressed. I wore jeans, a Marilyn Manson shirt, and Converse. I called Stephenie and told her I'm on my way.

I got to her house and knocked on the door. She answered right away. The moment I walked in I started kissing her. I moved down to her neck.

"I missed you so damn much." I whispered.

"It's only been 2 days." She giggled.

We went into her room. She basically pushed me onto the bed. She sat above my waist, her legs on opposite sides of me. She moved her hands up my shirt taking it off. My arms were above my head as I bit my lip. She then noticed something.

"What the hell Jeremy." She hissed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What?" I was confused.

She held my arms where she could see the inside of my forearms. She studied them.

"Look Stephenie I-" A tear fell down her cheek. "Why are you crying? Please don't cry."

"How can't I!? The love of my life is trying to kill himself!" She cried.

"Love of your life?"

"What are these?" She ignored my comment.

She was pointing at the pricks where I stuck the needles. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I stayed silent. I didn't know how, nor want to answer. More tears fell down her face as she got off the bed. She cried more. I stood up and hugged her. She pushed me away.

"Don't touch me!" She demanded. I looked down. "What are those spots from?" She asked. "And be honest. I don't want any damn lies."

"Either way you'll leave me." I started. I took a deep breath. "It's because of needles."

"Get out!" She demanded.

I looked down as I walked out. I wanted to lock myself in my room forever. I walked into the house. Nobody was home. But their wad a note on the table.

Casey is spending the night at a friend's house. And dad and I went somewhere. Be back soon.

I stomped directly to my room. I know it didn't make any sense. But I did what I usually do when I'm pissed off. Find some why to numb myself.

I opened the box. I looked at the stuff but decided not to use it this time. I don't want my parents walking in on me passed out with a needle next to me.

I got into the bathroom cabinets I found the Antidepressants. I took 7. Anything to make me feel better for at least a little bit. But not kill me. Even though I've always wanted to kill myself. Ever since I was 12. But I've just been too pussy to go through with it.

I layed in bed. Staring at my ceiling. Fuck it. I give up. I can go through life anymore knowing that I'm a fuck up. I got the gun that I've been hiding under my bed for the past year in case I actually go through with it.

Tears landing were landing on the paper as I wrote the note. I layed in bed on my side. I held the pillow against the side of my head and positioned the gun on top of it where it wouldn't be able to miss me. My phone started ring. It was Kyle. One last time. For him.