The Boy from the Band

When No Means Yes

When we finish he takes the dishes into the kitchen. "I'm not even going to ask if I can smoke," he smiles, "How are you feeling?"

"Better, maybe, I don't know. I feel a little queasy, a little woozy. I don't want to look in the mirror, I don't want to see what they've done to me."

He pulls off his clothes and crawls into bed with me, "I bet I can make you feel better."

What is wrong with him, he wants me when I look like this? And besides, the doctor said no exercise. Moving makes my head spin, is he crazy?

He seems to read my thoughts, "Don't worry," he whispers, "I'll be careful, you just lay very still and let me do the work," and he proceeds to make gentle, careful love to me. I start to relax and begin to enjoy his touch, my doubts fading as I feel his hands and mouth all over me.

"Are you all right?" he asks when he finishes and my only answer is a slow"um hmmm." I've forgotten about my face, forgetting that there are still parts of my body that hurt. It doesn't even matter that I didn't climax, all that matters is he's holding me again.

"I want you to move to Woodstock, Dacy, you're not safe here anymore. I was afraid that something like this would happen. What if something worse happens next time, and there could be a next time, you know."

"Rick, I don't know about that. You're asking me to leave a place that I love. I Venice, I love California. My life is here and I don't know if I want to uproot myself and move to New York. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. For one thing, the economy's going through a rough stretch and how hard will it be for me to find another job? Working for the phone company has paid for three surgeries and now this concussion—how do I know I can find benefits like that anywhere else? Besides, we've just gotten back together, why rush things?

"Because I need to get you there before winter starts. I'm going to be busy touring after the new year—with exception of Robbie, the Band is getting back together."

"What?" I sit up too quickly and have to lay back down. I close my eyes for a moment, then the room stops spinning. 

I can't believe what I'm hearing, but I'm happy for him, for all of them. This is good news, this is what he needs. Garth has kept busy, so has Levon. Richard and Rick seem to be the only ones who haven't been in demand. Richard's alcohol problem has been so bad I don't think he'd even be able to work. I've been worried about Rick, he's been kind of lost since the Band broke up, I was hoping he'd find a direction--now he has.

"We decided, Garth, Richard, Levon, and I, that we needed to do this. I've been gigging with different people, but I'm not making the kind of money that I need. We weren't sure if Garth would be on board for this, but he is. I think this will help."

Maybe it will. Will they be in demand like they were in the old days. Will they turn into a "cover band", even if they're only covering their own music? Robbie was the song writer, who'll step into his shoes--and they're big shoes to fill.

"Have you talked to Robbie? What did he say about it?" If he hasn't given his consent, I'll do anything to make him give it, even fuck him, maybe threaten him if I have to. I'll wear him down if he even thinks about refusing.

"Yes, we have, and he gave the go-ahead. I've been playing with the Cate Brothers and they've agreed to back us up. We've working on a schedule, a setlist, and need to get a road crew and sound techs—you know how much work touring is."

I do. How many times did I watch Rick get ready to go on the road? I'm thrilled for him, so happy that Robbie isn't going to stand in their way! I know this is no guarantee of success , but it might work, at least for a while.

What I'm worried about are the smack and Richard's drinking. Richard is fragile and he needs help, going on the road like this could help, but I am afraid this will break him. I'm afraid for him. The other guys don't seem to get how serious his drinking and drug problems are, they don't get alcoholism unless it's a skid road drunk.

"I am so happy for you, Rick, this is wonderful news and I understand how busy you'll be. It's just that I don't want to make a decision when I feel like this. You know a part of me wants to say yes, but I want to be practical. Moving to LA was an impulse decision, and I was lucky it worked out." I draw a deep breath, "I'm not twenty-three anymore, and I don't want to move to New York only to have you decide that you want to break things off with me again."

"Ouch," he said, "But I do understand that. I know I'm asking a lot, but I can promise that you won't regret it. Are you telling me that there is a part of you who wants to move to New York?"

"Maybe," I'm defeated and I know it, then he smiles at me and I know I'm in trouble but it might be worth it.