Overshadowed

Overshadowed

"And how do you feel about that?" The deadpan counsellor asked for probably the 100th time now.

'Like an idiot.' I felt like replying.

But I didn't.

I was too afraid that Shadow might manipulate my mouth again and make me seem crazier than I already am.

So I shrugged, mouth zipped shut. No words were going to escape anytime soon.

The counsellor sighed in frustration and shifted her sharp gaze towards my mother. The reason I'm in this room. Or part of the reason at least.

"Ms. Knight, I can't help your son if he won't speak up. We are done here." The counsellor spoke coldly. I never bothered to learn her name. I didn't care enough to.

I inwardly cheered at the thought of leaving but mum seemed not to share my inner excitement. Mum sighed, eyes downcast as she bent down to pick up her handbag. I zipped out of the room at lightning speed and exhaled in relief. The stale and rigid energy of the room was getting to me. I could finally breathe again.

I leant against the wall of the waiting room, waiting for mum. There were people here but the silence was unnerving.

"Worthless..." His voice hissed in my mind akin to the hiss of a snake.

I ignored him. I didn't want to be seen "talking to myself" outside of a counsellor's office. There were people in the waiting room.

The idiot counsellor and my mum exchanged a few hushed words before mum emerged from the room and turned her sad puppy dog eyes to me.

'Damn it mum.'

"Caelum-"

"Don't." I cut her off before she could say anymore. There was nothing she could say that I haven't already heard.
"Please Caelum! I'm trying to help you! You need professional help!" Shadow shrieked in a high-pitched voice. He was mocking my mum, something he often did because he knew it agitated me.

His mocking voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard and I pressed a hand to the side of my head by reflex causing mum to give me an odd look.

I could see him. I could see him laughing at me with that mocking grin and dark glint in his red eyes.

Sometimes I uncontrollably tune out and all I can see is Shadow. Or whatever he wants me to see. It's uncontrollable. Like I'm strapped down, eyes pried open and forced to watch a screen. He makes me watch different things, but right now he was just laughing and repeating things said by my mother.

"Caelum stop! You're scaring me! Please!" Shadow screeched frantically, still imitating my mum's voice.

I could feel my patience slipping.

I let out a frustrated animalistic type growl that was a shock to even my own ears.

The image of Shadow's mocking laughter vanished. Like the screen my eyes were uncontrollably glued to was switched off.

I regained my vision fast enough to see my mum flinch back in terror.

My eyes quickly scanned the room. It was dead silent. Every pair of eyes in the waiting room was fixed on me. Even the lazy reception lady who would sneakily paint her nails and check her Facebook account stopped what she was doing and poked her head out from behind the desk.

Mum was frozen, car keys dangling from her hands. I reached to take them and mum recoiled back from my sudden movement.

"Well would you look at that Caelum? Even your own mother is afraid of you!" Shadow taunted.

As much as it pained me to admit, he was right. She was afraid. Just one look at her could confirm that. Her eyes now held fear when she looked at me. How did things get this way? I hated that look. She now looks at me just like everybody else.



"She thinks you're a monster" Shadow whispered. That one sentence echoed throughout my mind. I could hear the happiness in his voice at the pain that caused me. At the pain that word caused me. I hated that word with a burning passion. I hate it.

I shot a venomous glare in mum's direction and snatched the car keys out of her hand, hastily rushing out of the building which was now sadly quite familiar.

I threw open the door of mum's small white car, that she didn't have the money to replace, and flopped into the passenger's seat, slamming the door behind me. This car held a lot of memories. It also held a lot of arguments.

I sat stiff and rigid staring straight ahead as I was trying desperately to block out Shadow's taunting voice. This little trick I discovered occasionally worked. I could completely zone out and Shadow's whining would fall upon deaf ears. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to completely zone out all the time and Shadow knew this. It pleased him.

The annoying racket in my mind suddenly ceased. I rubbed my dry eyes and saw mum sullenly exit the yellow brick building. I felt a pang of remorse hit me as a I saw the saddened expression she wore.
'Stop it Caelum. None of this is your fault.' I reminded myself. And it wasn't. It's not my fault. I didn't choose for any of this to happen. I'm not feeling sorry for her.
Mum finally reached the car door. I peered out the window on the driver's side from the corner of my eye. I could see her sigh heavily and the expression on her faced changed turned stony and blank. I averted my gaze straight ahead before she got into the car.

The car ride home was tense and silent. But I didn't mind. I was used to it. She didn't utter a single word to me, nor me to her. All that could be heard was the rumbling of Mum's little white car.

As soon as mum had parked in the driveway, the passenger door was flung open, the front door was unlocked and I was speeding down the hallway making a break for my room.

Upon entering my room I rapidly shut the door behind me and leant against it, exhaling in relief. Mum does this thing. She'll stay silent for the whole car trip home building up her argument and mentally organizing what she's going to say, and then she'll pounce on you. You're practically a wounded gazelle fighting a blood thirsty lion. You're not going to win. But I found a loop hole. If I can escape to my room before the evil harpy can grasp me in her claws I'm practically home free.

I trudged over to my bed and flopped onto it face down. Shadow was oddly silent, not that I was complaining. I was thrilled, but his lack of activity was slightly unnerving, it was like he was preparing something.

I don't know how long I stayed in that position, but I couldn't find the energy to move. I lied still and drowned in my solemn and slightly melodramatic thoughts. This was happening a lot lately.

Sometimes I feel like the muscles in my face that enable me to smile are frozen. Not gone for good, but frozen in a block of ice that seems impossible to thaw thus far.
Sometimes I feel like my tear ducts have up and left because they're tired of putting up with the crap that is my life.
Sometimes I feel like my eyes are windows that have completely fogged over with the curtains closed on the other side.
Sometimes I feel subhuman. A monster. A waste of precious air that our species inhales so greedily.
And it's all because of Shadow.

To be honest I don't know his true name. I don't even know what he is. He just seems to be there. He is a malevolent being, I know that much, but I have no idea what he is doing here or why he is doing it to me. Is he all in my head? Or is there more to this? I don't know how to answer that question.

Shadow has only ever been mentioned out load to one person. My mother, who brushed it off as a figment of my imagination. Until she decided to search online for answers and began to worry herself sick when an array of various mental illnesses showed up under 'results'.

As for my classmates, I never had to speak about any of this out loud. They noticed my behaviour. Especially the bullies. They watch like a vulture watching their prey. It wasn't hard for them to find something to pick on. They don't know about Shadow but they do know that there is a part of me that isn't quite right. Most students are afraid, then there's some who use my issues as a weapon to beat me down. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but word will never hurt me". What a blatant lie. Both hurt. Like hell. Though the words seem to hurt a hell of a lot more.

I wasn't sick, and I absolutely refuse to be stigmatized and stereotyped by a mental illness. But unfortunately stigmatizing and stereotyping are two of the things human beings do best. The centre point of those two things? High School. It's basically a battle ground, and if you aren't one of the students who made it to the top you're basically scrambling to get out of there alive. This hellish place is where I am headed right now. Shadow is never very talkative on the way to school. That's usually when he does his plotting of the various ways to torment me throughout the day. Something was of about today though. The feeling I had today was different. Not like the usual sinking feeling you get when you wake up for school. I didn't feel like I was sinking. I felt like I had hit the bottom.

It was lunch time when things took a turn. Students streamed out of classrooms like flocks of bats exposed to daylight. A crowd a students surrounding the lockers caught my eye. Now usually I'd walk past this scene, as it was a usual thing and I wanted to save my own skin. Today was different though. I just couldn't help myself.

Steven Tucker was his name and he was a walking bully magnet. Of course Tyson Wayne, the school meathead, would have to take a stab at the poor guy. This was a daily occurrence. I had had to deal with my fair share of crap from Tyson Wayne, but as I got older and bigger Tyson got friendlier and started distancing himself from me. Unfortunately for him, Steven hasn't grown out of his frail and lanky frame. Any other day I would ignore this incident and brush it off as another regular case of schoolyard bullying just like the rest of the students. There was no justice. No one wanted to jump to anyone's rescue. Everyone wanted to save their own skin. Myself included. No one was there for me when I was getting beaten to the ground. Why should I defend anyone else when all they would do was stand and watch when it was me? Something was seriously different about today though. I felt compelled to help this guy.

"Ha! You're so weak Steven! Scared I might break you?" Tyson snickered while repeatedly shoving him.

Steven looked down avoiding eye contact, obviously not wanting any conflict. He cowered back as Tyson's repetitive shoves got rougher.

"Can't even fight back? You're pathetic!" Tyson cackled, looking back towards his posse and the crowd of onlookers.

Tyson was your typical cocky bully who preyed on the weak and was nothing without a group to back him up. I felt my temper flare as he began kicking Steven as he lay on the ground. I was sick of seeing him do this to people, yet I didn't want to involve myself. He already gives me crap occasionally; I did not want to subject myself to more of that. Intervening would just be asking for it.

Unfortunately my body was not listening.

I found myself walking towards the pair and mentally kicking myself for not being able to just turn around and walk the other way. I didn't know if Shadow was controlling me or if I was moving on my own accord, but I stopped next to Tyson and found myself staring him down. He immediately noticed my shadow looming over him. I was bigger. He spun around quick enough to give himself whiplash.

"Can I help you?" Tyson spat. He may have started to be friendlier towards me, but that did little to change the fact that I was still a freak in his eyes.

"Yes. Leave Steven alone. He has done nothing to you." I spoke through my teeth, my voice low. I didn't want to attract too much attention.

"Or what?" Tyson retorted loudly, obviously having the opposite idea to mine.

I stayed silent. I hadn't really thought this through.

Tyson cackled and glanced back towards his band of mindless followers.