PAPER HEARTS

14

NOTE! in this and the following few chapters, you will get to see a little insight into how extremely sick Jae really is. Please keep in mind that some of these topics may be triggering/ depressing to go through, you've been warned!

On the basis of my strong resolve to lose weight and gain the womanly dazzle that seemed to plague all the girls from college, a few fatal habits evolved. One of them being purging the food I'd eaten not too long prior to my visit to the bathroom. Somehow, without neither my consent nor my discomfort about becoming so self-conscious, I noticed the shift in my pattern.

It started off with my starting to avoid food at all costs. When I was alone at home, I used to throw away whatever meal Haneul had adorned the table with. When I was alone, I chewed on food and spit it out, not daring to swallow it; not wanting the calories to add up to the numbers on my scale.

When I broke the shackles of my restrictions and binged on food, fearing the consequences of Minjun or Haneul finding the wrappers in my room, I would throw the trash out of my balcony/ window.

When I was with people, I couldn't do any of the sorts. I couldn't chew on food - only to spit it out into a polythene bag, I couldn't throw the food away, I couldn't necessarily bring myself to vomit in most cases. I was too shy to deny their act of kindness, too scared to swallow so much as a morsel of the greasy eatables.

As if a voice called out to me, telling me to rush to the toilets after every bite that goes into my mouth; as if it had more control over my diet than I did. I listened. I tried not to cry, I tried not to scowl - I simply followed the instructions my mind gave me every single time I went near food.

It feels like a programmed bug has taken over my rational line of thought. I want to lose weight, I have to lose weight. There is no room for friendships or empathy.

Seokjin has a small, confident smile on his face. I watch the curves of his cheeks as they grow on puffier; for a minute, I want to be his friend. I want to have a taste of what it feels to be so carefree.

"Do you wanna get some lunch with me?"

His words ring in my ear as if being played on tape repeatedly and I swallow the lump as it rises in my throat. Seokjin's words although unexpected and surprising to the mind tempts the growl in my stomach to accept his offer.

"Sure," The word tumbles out of my mouth before I can take a minute to calculate my speech mentally. I stare at the floor, absolutely confused by what I'd done impulsively.

"My treat, fluffy!"

My eyes bulge when he grins and my breath hitches in my throat when he starts talking about how he knows a Chinese restaurant down the block. With a muddled rattle of thoughts in my mind and my ears blocking out the sounds around me, my body freezes in search of a suitable excuse. Seokjin makes it seem so easy. Everyone makes eating out in a Chinese restaurant is as easy as spelling out the alphabet, but it's unhealthy.

My chest feels as vacant as ever as we walk down the hallways and towards the exit gate. I don't take note of the grumble in my stomach, but I do of the aching across my forehead as the stress begins to unfurl.

I'm going to become so fat.

Seokjin chatters away about something not-so-important for me at the moment. As per usual, his breezy attitude amuses me as he walks us outside the campus. Commercial Law was my last class for the day - meaning I get to go home for the day after getting some food along the way. Hopefully, after taking his leave, I can find an isolated place to throw my guts out.

I make my mind up, sorting out my plans for the evening before wearing a credible expression on my face. I will pretend to enjoy some rice and curry with Seokjin. I will force it down my throat if I need to, but after parting ways, I will throw up in a dumpster.