Counting Sheep

Ch. 34 - A Mother Doesn't Always Know

Children begin by loving their parents. As they grow older they judge them, sometimes they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

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March 29th

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The last week had felt unreal, an unknown feeling of terror as we faced our newest set of obstacles. And we had fought probably 20 times since that phone call, but they weren't really fights at all...they were just reactions to the other person being scared. Spencer was scared because he knew his mother was slowly forgetting him and he hated the fact that I was too scared to leave the twins alone now. 

After their seizures, I had started thinking about what would happen if something were to happen to the both of us in the field. Who would have to tell them that their parents were dead, who would be tasked with taking care of them? So, I made an executive decision that from now on when we have a case one of us stays behind and works it from behind, hell I offered for it to be me every time. But that's what started the first of the many arguments, as he said that wasn't fair since he knew how much I loved being in the field. 

It was currently 3 am and I was sitting up in the library reading, instead of in bed next Spencer. I wanted to be next to him, don't get me wrong but I just couldn't right now. His earlier words kept echoing throughout my head, so I had to drown him out using some of my 1st edition German poetry books. 

"Don't walk away from me Spencer," I begged.

"There's no point in staying here if you won't even negotiate with me." I shot him irate look at his words.

"I'm not an unsub, you don't need to negotiate with me!" I didn't mean to raise my voice so loud, no doubt the children had heard us now.

"We are both frightened and you have chosen now of all times to start shutting me out? My mother has dementia and is going to forget me and our twins had several febrile seizures without their parents around to tell them it would be okay." I didn't want him profiling me nor did I need it. But nothing that he said was wrong. 

"I'm just trying to give you space, Spence. I'm not shutting you out or making decisions without you. We have almost lost our children too many times and I can't afford any more risks. I don't know how to help you with this, I'm not the genius here. I love you and I'm scared. So, I'm not shutting you out I'm just not sure how to help you." He stepped forward and tried to pull me into his arms, but I just shook myself free. I looked into his sad eyes and knew that he understood but it didn't help the pain.

"Come to bed, let me hold you please..."

I didn't sleep much these days because of certain nightmares that have made a comeback, so as much as I wanted to be held by him I just couldn't do it. I loved that man with everything in me, but I had to love him from afar. The fear was crippling as I thought about our children and...and Diana. How the disease was only evolving as we agreed to more testing, and how she had been showing signs for the last 6 months but because of her schizophrenia they hadn't looked into it any further. 

My husband was scared to death of the thought of his mother forgetting him and I couldn't blame him. I knew what it was like to forget a loved one and see them crumble before you. She was going to forget me much sooner than him and I was secretly dreading the day since I know it was going to destroy me. I didn't know of any words that could soothe him right now, so instead, I stayed away. 

"Mama?" I turned my head to see a very sleepy Simon making his way over towards me. I opened my arms and let him crawl into my lap, his body curling into mine. 

"What are you doing awake, my little nebula?" He rubbed a fist into his eye as he yawned. 

"Are you and papa upset with each other because of me and Brenna?" I looked down at him and ran a hand through his curls. A soft frown tracing my lips.