Don't Get Too Close (Justin Bieber Love Story / Fan Fiction)

Forty-Eight: Relapse

Chapter Forty-eight: Relapse

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Song of the chapter:
Flicker (Kanye West Rework) by Lorde (UM THIS IS FROM MOCKINGJAY AND HOLY SFHUHFUFHOSHD I JUST SAW MOCKINGJAY PT 1 I AM VERY HYPED UP CURRENTLY ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THE HUNGER GAMES HONESTLY I CAN TALK ABOUT THE HUNGER GAMES ALL DAY WOW I AM SWEATING AS I TYPE THIS SOMEONE GET ME AN ICE PACK)

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My vision was blurring and so were my thoughts. There wasn't much going on within my head, only Natalie. As usual, she consumed the vast majority of my mind and she probably didn't even know it. It wasn't like it mattered anyways. No matter how much she broke me down day by day and no matter how miserable I was and no matter how much I hated what had happened, it didn't matter.

Happy endings didn't exist for anyone.

The heels of my sneakers scuffed along the wet sidewalk. My skateboard was tucked beneath my arm and both hands were buried deep in my coat pockets to fight off the nighttime pre-winter breeze. The snow from a few weeks ago had begun to melt, leaving the roads and sidewalks completely clear of all and any snow. The grass was covered by about three inches of it, but it wasn't the pretty kind. It was easy to see that the snow was old and melting by the way the mud from the ground began to mix with it.

A few hours prior, I had decided to leave my house too. I didn't want to sit inside alone while my mom was across the street with the people I used to know and be so familiar with. Sidetracking myself was all I knew, and I was going to use it to my advantage. Anyways, I had gone for a walk and I brought my skateboard along too considering I hadn't been on it in so long. During the summer, I used it almost every single day but then life got in the way, I guess.

It was around ten o'clock when I was on my way back home. Skating didn't last very long because I just couldn't seem to get anything right. I was getting frustrated that I couldn't regain the focus I needed. My head was in other places, preventing me from doing what I wanted to do.

You're a failure. You can't do anything right. You can't make friends, you can't make your girl happy, you can't even do something as simple as skateboarding correctly.

As I exhaled, I could see my breath float away in the wind. My body, especially my nose, was colder than ice itself, making me regret my decision of going outside in the first place. Then again, it didn't phase me too much because as I said thousands of times before, my mind was occupied with other things. I was in too deep with my thoughts to be aware of anything else.

Walking down my street and up my driveway, I couldn't even get myself to look up at the house across the street. I didn't want to acknowledge something I was trying to desperately to forget.

I rested my skateboard up against the side of the house before going back inside. All of the lights were off, so I assumed my mom had not returned. I didn't mind though.

It was as if I had to drag myself up the stairs. My head was throbbing from the headache that had accumulated over the previous hours, I was more than exhausted, and I was completely defeated emotionally and physically. Nothing was going right in my life and I could no longer find the motivation to keep going.

I can't keep doing this.

Somehow I made it to my bathroom, my hands gripping the edge of the counter. I could feel my palms sweating and my legs falling numb. I was gnawing at my bottom lip nervously, unsure of how the thoughts I was having managed to sneak their way into my head. But the thoughts were real and they were horrifying.

They were telling me to get it over with. They were telling me that I wasn't important to anyone anymore and that I had absolutely no reason to stick around. They were telling me I had no purpose. The scary thing was that I believed them. I believed every single degrading thought being pushed into my mind, and I wasn't second guessing anything.