Your Tears... RIP Brother

Your Tears

"Hey that's mine! Mom James took my teddy!" "Why are you always fighting? James! Are you listening?" "Mom I love you but you know Shorty always plays too long with her teddy." Yeah, you heard right. I'm Shorty ( my brother calls me shorty to annoy me but my real name is Belle) I have 3 older brothers a very caring mother and my best friend Teddy. I love my family and especially my brothers even if they annoy me sometimes... well.
I'm going to tell you my story. It all began in October 2001 when I was born into a beautiful family. James was 5 years old, Orlando and Harry 3. My father never wanted a daughter, which is the reason why my life's been up an down. No matter how much my father affected me, my brothers have always stood by my side and supported me and I am very grateful for that . All in all I would die for them and they for me. One day I heard my mother crying and asked what was wrong with her. I was 8 years old. She said she couldn't make it anymore. I didn't know what she meant I said : "mom, stop crying. When you cry, God gets sad. Stop making God sad. You got us ?" She was quiet. I never realised how sad my mom was. She cried a lot nearly every day. And today 10 years later I know why. She wasn't happy. She wasn't happy with herself. She wanted always the best for us but we were kids. We did a lot of shit. But that's normal, right?
My mother used to say "never give up no matter how deep you fall there is always a spark of hope to get you out of it do you understand?" And 10 years later I wish I could understand what she mean. But I can't. My heart is too weak, too broken & full of impossible longing...
2 years later it was my 16th birthday. An ordinary day for anyone but not for me. Three days earlier, James would have been 23. This is the day when it all happened. I was coming home from school. It was a busy day. I had an exam and had to prepare myself for my final exams. My father expected a lot from me even though he never did anything for me. When I got home, I noticed a policecar outside our house. I didn't think  of it because my brother was a policeman and often came home with the car. So I kept thinking about my exam results and what I should study next year. My brother always wanted me to study medicine because I could help him if he is wounded. So I wanted to study medicine. For him. As I stood at our front door, I heard several voices and wondered who was at home. So I knocked. I was received by two officers and could hear my mother crying. "What is going on? Mum why are you crying where is dad?" My dad was behind her. He cried. One of the officers looked at me and came closer He told me to sit down but I didn't want to. "Please just sit down. I don't want to hurt your feelings" why should he? "We're here to inform you that your brother James was killed in action. We are very sorry. His last word was belle." "Wha...What? James is not here? Where is he? I want to see him? It's a joke right? Hahaha I hate jokes! It's not a joke? Where is james? I want james. Where is he?" I had a breakdown and passed out. I woke up in the hospital the next day. I didn't feel anything. Just pain. The pain of losing a human I loved. My brother. His last word was my name? "JAMES? JAMES PLEASE COME JAMES!" I was mentally ill