- nevermind | yoonmin (suicide letter ° 3 days left)

5

Hi my dear Yoongi,

I'm feeling more unhappy as minutes are passing. I haven't seen you today, basically because I have been avoiding you the whole day.

Pathetic.

In the morning I finished the letter about the club thing. I can't think about it anymore, because it's tearing me apart.

I was smoking like crazy, trying to suppress the vision of your naked body on someone else.

When all of my cigarettes where gone, all of the emotions buried me alive.

That was the worst panic attack I have ever had. I thought I was going to faint, my limbs stiffen with my lungs on fire and all I saw was black.
I don't know, if I was shivering from the cold or from my heart's pumping.

Hyperventilating didn't even help, as I was laying on that fucking cold floor alone.

It was something between 4 and 5, when someone saved me again. Unfortunately, it wasn't you.

It was Tae, he is, I guess my friend too, I don't know. To be honest, I don't really pay attention to people around me unless it's you.

He was coming back from the convenience store store getting some energy drinks. Later I understood why.

So I was laying there like the biggest trash ever, no energy, no motivation, alcohol still in my veins, with broken heart, when Tae like touched me with his big warm hands.

Somehow, all the thoughts oscillating in my brain stopped, my eyes coming up to look at my saver. His eyes leaving traces of concerns.

I think he immediately puzzled out the situation, as he helped me, at least to sit down.

My insides couldn't hold anything anymore. With sudden move up, all content of my stomach streamed down on the floor.

I only vomited yellow gall mixed with alcohol. I don't know but my throat was burning hell (and it still hurts), even though my body was freezing. It was so cold, like the world's happiness disappeared.

Taehyung was not moving for a second, I couldn't see his face, because of salty waterfalls disallowing me the view.

I wanted to die then and there. The anxiety growing in me. I was sure he was disgusted. And then warmth embraced my whole self. He took of his hoodie to keep me warm. I don't deserve someone like him.

"Jiminie, you look terrible, let me take you inside."

So I kind of hugged Tae, while he carried me to his dorm. With much difficulties my trembling body appeared on his bed.

I saw Jungkook curiously looking at me from behind the table.
He was Tae's boyfriend. They were in the middle of video games when I interrupted them.

"Hand me a blanket Kookie.
And make some tea."

As my friend covered me with the softest cloth, little shivers still present on my body, his expression changed to more serious.

"What happened Minnie? Are you hurt? Who did this to you?"

His voice wasn't pleading, he was just extremely worried.
Me, still in shock, shook my head too violently, swinging my hands everywhere to keep him away.

I couldn't tell them what happened, how could I?
They were able to beat you up.
I don't want them to see you in the bad light, you're not a bad person.

I have no right to tell with who you can sleep or hang out or anything. It's just my body and my mind can't handle the pain anymore. I want to touch you in the most innocent way, smoothing your skin, kissing your lips, holding your hands. Fuck. My mind is so twisted.

I was so exhausted that I collapsed on the bed. Tae covering the reminds of me. He and Jungkook took the best care of me. I felt my own ugliness filling my whole self, too much thoughts hurting my head.

When I calmed down and let them touch me, they needed answers. I tried to speak but my throat was aching and dry. After few sips of some levander tea Jungkook made me, I spoke:

"P-P-Please, don't w-worry, it's all MY f-fault. I swept it w-with alcohol."

"No, I don't believe you Jimin. You're too innocent for this shit. Is Yoongi involved? Did he hurt you?"

Taehyung is very protective over youngers. Jungkook and me are younger than him after all. But you probably don't know.

I avoided his gaze. He was right but wasn't at the same time.
Tae took my cold hand, leaning closer. I was feeling bad, like I can't describe how wrong all of these feelings were. My head was pressed against his chest as I sobbed and cried.

"Shh. It's alright. None of this is your fault."

"Taetae, everything feels so wrong."

"I will kill that bastard. He was supposed to take care of you, in any way."

Tae should have killed me instead. I kept repeating that it's my fault and crying-screaming like a baby. My friends were soothing me until I closed my eyes. It was still so early in the morning.

When I woke up again, it was dark and I was confused as fuck, at least I wasn't cold anymore.

The quiet room, I recognized as Tae's, was empty. I was so out of my senses. The headache increasing when I sat up fully awake.

I couldn't see Tae or Jungkook, as I knew I was alone once again.
Every movement I made towards the switch was like falling down the black hole.

I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. That's the only good thing about the depression, you're so empty when nothing left.
I think I have lost all of my emotions in the panic attack.

Even anxiety haven't shown up, when my hand impulsively started to search for my phone. No pockets, these are not my clothes!

Realizing that someone must have changed my clothes, memories from yesterday night till this morning hit me like the light I switched on.

Vibrations, coming from underneath the blanket I was wrapped in, finally helped to find my phone.
I had 13 messages from you and 5 missed calls.

My shaking finger pressed 'delete'. What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over.

I'm writing you right now while waiting for Tae and Jungkook to come back with food.
I'll write an outro when I'm not starving. Wow, I haven't lost my sense of humor.
_

Well, as expected, my hangover stomach couldn't keep any food in. Vomiting French fries is super disgusting, tmi, sorry.

I mean I don't have much more to write, because I have been sleeping the whole day, woke up at 8 PM, had "dinner" and now I think I'll go to sleep again.

I have no strength left to see you and your beautiful face, so when you're reading this letter, here is the full explanation of me disappearing after the club thing.

I'm staying at Tae's tonight. I can fully imagine how stressed you are, because I haven't written you back yet, it's just I can't do this anymore.

This emptiness between me and my life, my blank mind, my whole existence is crumbling.

I wish I could have a small break from my life, I wanna run away so bad, but I guess I have to wait a few more days.

Still love you Yoongi.

Your Jimin

_______________________________________

Stats:
words: 1238
date: 02042020, Tuesday
topic: vomit