Always been you//Jolex

Chapter 3

Alex strokes my hair as a tear rolls down my cheek. It really is her. I don't know how to feel about any of this, but I'm overwhelmingly relieved to get it off my chest, and to know she's in good hands with Alex as her doctor.
It all hits me at once, like I just couldn't comprehend this information and suddenly it clicked into place. My baby, my Sadie, who I haven't give a thought to in years. In Seattle. By some cruel twist of fate, she ended up in this hospital, with the love of my life treating her.
I wanted to leave it all behind, to imagine up some fairy tale life for her and leave it at that. But she's alone. Probably scared. She's a little girl, and she has nobody. I'm suddenly glad that she's made her way to me, even without knowing, because the idea of getting to know her now that Paul is gone, now that we're safe, is like some kind of hope, even though being here means she's sick. But it's immediately followed by guilt.
I gave up any right to be her mother when I left her, did the thing my mother did to me that I swore I could never do.
In between sobs, I try to get a few words out.
"Did you talk to her? Is she awake?"
"She regained consciousness and we were able to take out the tube. She's high up on the transplant list, so we're waiting for UNOS to call, " He says. I nod, and a moment of silence passes before he adds. "You probably couldn't tell when she came in, but she has brownish, wavy hair like you. And her smile, it's all yours. Jo, she's really freaking strong, a fighter. I could tell as soon as she opened her eyes. She reminded me of you even before all of this. Sassy, and really smart. She started schooling the interns on her condition as soon as she woke up."
I smile at this, at the idea that this little girl that I barely knew could still be connected to me in some way. His description of her feels right, like it matches some vision of my head of would she would grow up to become.
"I promise we're taking really good care of her." He says, with his crooked smile.
When she was born, I gave her my new name. Wilson. I knew I was leaving, but I didn't know where I was going to end up. So I left her behind, allowing myself to believe that she was happy.
"Jo?" Alex says, interrupting my spiral of thoughts.
"I just..." I pause, unsure of how to say this. "Do you think that she would like me? That she could ever forgive me?"
He wraps his arm around me, and I lean into him. He kisses the back of my neck and takes my hand.
"Honestly? I don't know."
Not exactly what I needed to hear. But he's right.
"Do I even tell her? What good could it do?"
He smiles and nods.
" I think... I think she could use a mom right now." He pauses before standing and taking my hand. "Listen, we've had a crazy day, let's get into bed. We'll go in early, before rounds, so you can talk to her. Okay?"
"Alright. But do we have to sleep in the bed, or can we do other things?" I say, needing anything to distract me at this moment.
He smiles back and shakes and his head, pulling me in for a kiss.
Even though we've shared moments like these countless times,he catches me off guard every time he pulls me close. The longer we're together, the newer it feels.
He comes up for air for a brief moment, burying his face in my long, brown hair as I run my fingers down his neck.
He stares into my eyes, but I've learned to see past his gaze, into what he was feeling.
"Alex."
"Shhhhhh. Don't speak."
He keeps on tracing my features with his eyes, taking everything in like the very first night we were together when he threw me over his shoulder. I smile at the memory.
I caress his face with both hands, forcing him to look up at me.
"I'm scared." I say, and I can see the question in his expression. "What if we can't find her a heart in time? What if she's here, but just out of reach, so that I'll have to let her go again?"
"Jo. I'm not gonna let that happen. I swear to god, we'll do whatever it takes. And there are other things we can try to buy her more time."
I nod, still unsure, and he can sense my uncertainty.
"How about we call Pierce. We can work on a plan."
"I...I don't know if-" I stop, waiting for him to pick up on my concern.
"You don't want to tell other people."
"Just, not yet. I'm not ashamed of her. I just don't think anyone else should know that I have a daughter before Sadie finds out that I'm her mom."
"I understand. Come on, let me put you to bed. We'll sort everything out tomorrow."
He helps me off the couch, laying me down into bed and clicking off the light before snuggling in beside me.
He wraps his arm around my waist and kisses my neck, holding me like every night before this one, until I drift into the nothingness of my dreams.